What is under earning? It's defined by me as refusing to earn enough money to fulfill my wishes and desires, to refuse to earn enough money to even take care of myself and my possessions. My life is a blessing and part of the under earning is the refusal to share that blessing.
I've been told the larger part of the problem is a fear of visibility. When I was living in Los Angeles hitting my bottom (apartment loss, nervous break) I was moving my stuff into a nice clean storage facility for the 3rd time. The gentleman behind the desk said something to me about keeping his head at water level cause if he should rise too high above that someone will beat him down, so he merely treads water. I thanked him and moved on. I couldn't have put it in better words myself. God speaks through folks like him, I identified wholeheartedly. Tied to that is a deep sense of shame. Question for me is, who am I afraid of? Who is going to 'beat me down'? I'm an adult, that doesn't happen. And for the record it didn't happen in my home, my folks were very supportive of me choosing to become a musician. I distinctly remember many times in school where I truly shined only to be put down by teachers, students and in one nasty instance a teacher incited the students to remind me of my stupidity.
But that is the past. These people are no longer in my life. I learned to beat myself down. I learned that is useful. It's not. Being hard on oneself is not useful in the least. I would never talk to a child the way I talk to myself.
One of the ways this under earning shows up is in my clutter problem. I lived in a house in Portland, Oregon for 9 years. I was a technician that fixed tube amps and guitars. I used to go to Ham Fest, electronic surplus shops, junk stores, thrift shops, wherever I could find parts. My room was always a mess, my shop a mess, my mind a mess. I would compulsively buy little things and wonder where my money would go. I was in a band with people that had very little and seemed to make time to travel and enjoy themselves. I grew resentful of these friends and continued to buy more parts, instruments, books, records, old clothes. Part of it seemed like I was saving the world by recycling but it just got out of hand. If took me 2 years to move out of that house, just getting rid of things through Ebay, or just giving stuff away or throwing things out. Prosperity doesn't like to show up where crap hangs out! When I moved to LA it took me 2 days to pack my stuff, when I moved from LA it took me roughly 2 and a half hours. That was over 2 years ago and now I am almost done getting rid of the excess. It's hard to part with things. "What if I need that someday?" I need to burn the bridge to my former life, get rid of my tube tester so I cannot look back.
And what about that music career? Well, I've never actually tried. I've played guitar for 31 years now and am quite good at it. I just never took it seriously. I've always had the passion and the desire but a career in music? That's not an hourly wage. That's a job where I need to be visible. I don't even know what my earning potential is. I do know it's way more than I have earned before, but there is no security, no guarantee. It was a great day when I turned 39 and said "Oh my God, where did that last decade go?" and decide I cannot mess around any longer. I live in NYC and am allowing myself for the 1st time to really go for what I know I came to planet Earth to do. It requires a tremendous amount of work just to get started. I've needed to clean my spirit. My friends sometimes don't get it but I've had a way of simply pushing the good things in my life away. Why would I do that? The good things want me to commit to them. Good people, good opportunities, love, talent, bands. The mediocre likes to keep my options open, cruise along and never be seen.
I had this revelation yesterday. 22 years ago I was working at Kinkos in Baltimore. I had lost my super cool newspaper job and went through a series of awful temp jobs before I joined the Kinkos team. I was resentful of that job loss. I saw it as the end of another great American stream of revenue, computers were taking over. I stewed in hatred. But I had a great band and we were in the recording studio. For some reason the technician there liked me and saw some kind of quality I could not see myself. They hired me even though I had no skills as an amplifier technician saying "you'll learn". I went from $7 an hour to $25 and hour, difference being I had to hustle up clients. If I didn't hand out cards, I didn't eat. But really, the moral of this story is I was hired just for showing up and being visible. Hired for shining. No skills, just a likable guy who showed something. This became my career for 20 years.
So, Under Earning. The funny thing is I do like to work. I like to work hard. I've earned lots of money for other people and little for myself. Where did this come from? This negative thinking is baffling. I realized last year I modeled my life after 'poor' people. I mimicked the ways of poverty. I liked the way homeless people looked. Poor people were sufferers and were always right. This of course is my projection. I didn't grow up poor, I only method acted the role as I saw fit. It was my excuse to substitute negative thinking for positive thinking. I used to be a compulsive complainer. It's taken me years of hard work and support from other people to overcome this. Complaining, swearing, this pushes the support nature provides away. Trust me on this. If I am around complainers, I run. That's a great way to drag me down. It's addiction. Being around complainers is like being in a bar and you are a recovering alcoholic. It's getting easier every day to not be around this kind of energy, making proper boundaries. But it's also very easy to slip into an old way. I need support around this every day. Complaining to me is not owning up to my side of the street. Placing blame on someone else for my lack rather than just taking care of my actual needs. You don't see me hanging around free improv sessions these days cause they are like a bar for compulsive complainers! Imagine if the vibe was positive. There may be an audience!
So this will be an ongoing piece. I need to go earn now to pay for this blessed vision. For now:
Never stop trying!
Get help!
Support other people, don't say "well, good luck with that", just say "thank you for sharing your idea and vision."
Never let anyone tell you you can't, that's jive.
Always choose love over cynicism, jealousy, hate, fear. Those old negative thoughts will keep you small. If you like living small, great if you are happy. If you aren't happy, do something about it. There is help.
Love, JB
I've been told the larger part of the problem is a fear of visibility. When I was living in Los Angeles hitting my bottom (apartment loss, nervous break) I was moving my stuff into a nice clean storage facility for the 3rd time. The gentleman behind the desk said something to me about keeping his head at water level cause if he should rise too high above that someone will beat him down, so he merely treads water. I thanked him and moved on. I couldn't have put it in better words myself. God speaks through folks like him, I identified wholeheartedly. Tied to that is a deep sense of shame. Question for me is, who am I afraid of? Who is going to 'beat me down'? I'm an adult, that doesn't happen. And for the record it didn't happen in my home, my folks were very supportive of me choosing to become a musician. I distinctly remember many times in school where I truly shined only to be put down by teachers, students and in one nasty instance a teacher incited the students to remind me of my stupidity.
But that is the past. These people are no longer in my life. I learned to beat myself down. I learned that is useful. It's not. Being hard on oneself is not useful in the least. I would never talk to a child the way I talk to myself.
One of the ways this under earning shows up is in my clutter problem. I lived in a house in Portland, Oregon for 9 years. I was a technician that fixed tube amps and guitars. I used to go to Ham Fest, electronic surplus shops, junk stores, thrift shops, wherever I could find parts. My room was always a mess, my shop a mess, my mind a mess. I would compulsively buy little things and wonder where my money would go. I was in a band with people that had very little and seemed to make time to travel and enjoy themselves. I grew resentful of these friends and continued to buy more parts, instruments, books, records, old clothes. Part of it seemed like I was saving the world by recycling but it just got out of hand. If took me 2 years to move out of that house, just getting rid of things through Ebay, or just giving stuff away or throwing things out. Prosperity doesn't like to show up where crap hangs out! When I moved to LA it took me 2 days to pack my stuff, when I moved from LA it took me roughly 2 and a half hours. That was over 2 years ago and now I am almost done getting rid of the excess. It's hard to part with things. "What if I need that someday?" I need to burn the bridge to my former life, get rid of my tube tester so I cannot look back.
And what about that music career? Well, I've never actually tried. I've played guitar for 31 years now and am quite good at it. I just never took it seriously. I've always had the passion and the desire but a career in music? That's not an hourly wage. That's a job where I need to be visible. I don't even know what my earning potential is. I do know it's way more than I have earned before, but there is no security, no guarantee. It was a great day when I turned 39 and said "Oh my God, where did that last decade go?" and decide I cannot mess around any longer. I live in NYC and am allowing myself for the 1st time to really go for what I know I came to planet Earth to do. It requires a tremendous amount of work just to get started. I've needed to clean my spirit. My friends sometimes don't get it but I've had a way of simply pushing the good things in my life away. Why would I do that? The good things want me to commit to them. Good people, good opportunities, love, talent, bands. The mediocre likes to keep my options open, cruise along and never be seen.
I had this revelation yesterday. 22 years ago I was working at Kinkos in Baltimore. I had lost my super cool newspaper job and went through a series of awful temp jobs before I joined the Kinkos team. I was resentful of that job loss. I saw it as the end of another great American stream of revenue, computers were taking over. I stewed in hatred. But I had a great band and we were in the recording studio. For some reason the technician there liked me and saw some kind of quality I could not see myself. They hired me even though I had no skills as an amplifier technician saying "you'll learn". I went from $7 an hour to $25 and hour, difference being I had to hustle up clients. If I didn't hand out cards, I didn't eat. But really, the moral of this story is I was hired just for showing up and being visible. Hired for shining. No skills, just a likable guy who showed something. This became my career for 20 years.
So, Under Earning. The funny thing is I do like to work. I like to work hard. I've earned lots of money for other people and little for myself. Where did this come from? This negative thinking is baffling. I realized last year I modeled my life after 'poor' people. I mimicked the ways of poverty. I liked the way homeless people looked. Poor people were sufferers and were always right. This of course is my projection. I didn't grow up poor, I only method acted the role as I saw fit. It was my excuse to substitute negative thinking for positive thinking. I used to be a compulsive complainer. It's taken me years of hard work and support from other people to overcome this. Complaining, swearing, this pushes the support nature provides away. Trust me on this. If I am around complainers, I run. That's a great way to drag me down. It's addiction. Being around complainers is like being in a bar and you are a recovering alcoholic. It's getting easier every day to not be around this kind of energy, making proper boundaries. But it's also very easy to slip into an old way. I need support around this every day. Complaining to me is not owning up to my side of the street. Placing blame on someone else for my lack rather than just taking care of my actual needs. You don't see me hanging around free improv sessions these days cause they are like a bar for compulsive complainers! Imagine if the vibe was positive. There may be an audience!
So this will be an ongoing piece. I need to go earn now to pay for this blessed vision. For now:
Never stop trying!
Get help!
Support other people, don't say "well, good luck with that", just say "thank you for sharing your idea and vision."
Never let anyone tell you you can't, that's jive.
Always choose love over cynicism, jealousy, hate, fear. Those old negative thoughts will keep you small. If you like living small, great if you are happy. If you aren't happy, do something about it. There is help.
Love, JB
No comments:
Post a Comment