I'm in a phase of my recovery that involves deep cleaning. Cleaning of my heart, mind, car, bedroom and apparently, my bank account as well. Naturally, I'm scared about the last part. My lifestyle has improved tremendously in the last few months, but I haven't earned enough yet to keep up with it. What I do know is I can't go back to the old lifestyle. I've burned the bridge behind me and this last bit of clutter is me not accepting that 100%. I perhaps haven't gotten to the other side of that bridge and I'm holding on to a branch to climb up and continue down the road to the promised land. If a branch is all I have to hold on to, that will just have to do!
Last week I sold a microphone to a guy in Sweden on Ebay. Got $300 for it and it turns out that something is wrong with it. I could get all egoed out about it and fight the case he opened but this guy? I think he's telling the truth. Some things are just out of my control. I could really use that money but decided to issue a refund. Leap of faith. I may not get that mic back. I don't care. I bought it from a pawnshop 20 years ago for $20 back before people went insane with paying high prices for old goods. They sell for up to $600 today. But why don't I care? Well, I do care. Like I said I can use the money but today I have faith that I will get that money another way. I needn't worry about it. I started a new job teaching kids how to play music better, just that spiritual victory alone says I am going in a healthy direction. A busted mic is just that, the past. Gone. Finito Mussolini. Teaching kids? That feels like heaven to me. A job that doesn't feel like a job. That's my present, not my past. I'm in love with my present.
So this month has been a month of financial setbacks. A test of faith is what it feels like. I'm watching my savings decrease. I don't like that. But then again, money is a tool, nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with my actual self worth. I am glad I have savings in this challenging moment. A few years ago I didn't even have the concept of savings. I just borrowed to keep myself fed. That sucked. Truly. Don't do it kids, there is always a way.
So why did I title this Burning Bridges? I've learned that many successful people burned a lot of bridges behind them which enabled them to not entertain the idea of going back. I haven't burned too many bridges, some but not a lot, the difference is those that have succeeded had an idea of where they were going. A powerful vision. Faith. Without that what do you have? Today I know exactly what I want to do. It has never changed really, I was just too scared to admit that I want to be successful in music and am willing to do whatever it takes to live that dream. The last of my clutter lies in my other blog, the one about fixing tube amps. I have some tubes to sell, and my tube tester, and my bias meter. This stuff has to go. It merely represents my fear of totally letting go of my past. It represents my "back up plan" in case things go totally wrong or simply just don't work out. I've been there before when I moved to Los Angeles. I had no job for the first 4 months there and was the happiest I had ever been. Oh, I was scared, but rather than look for work I wrote music all day. By the end of that summer that music was pulling me in a direction like a magnet. Trouble was, I had burned through my savings and I was scared to death. So I got a job doing the same thing I did for 20 years, fixing tube amps. I lied to get that job saying I was excited to build this division in the company to my new employer when truth was I was burned out and wanted nothing to do with it. After 5 months that lie got me a nervous break. Lying takes a tremendous amount of energy you see. Yeah, it was a smart choice in one way, perhaps the best I had at that time. Fix amps or lose my apartment and wind up on the street in the City of Lost Angels. At least that's what it looked like. I hated letting my employer down. Hated it. Felt awful. It's a burnt bridge I'm not proud of. But on the other hand, I can't go back to that job. That in itself is a blessing in an odd way.
So today I earned doing something I truly love. I'm hooked. I'm hungry for sharing and being of service. I'm hungry to become a better teacher, musician, writer, producer, composer. I'm hungry for a better life. I'm no longer starving, it's just the right amount of hunger. And I love it.
JB
Last week I sold a microphone to a guy in Sweden on Ebay. Got $300 for it and it turns out that something is wrong with it. I could get all egoed out about it and fight the case he opened but this guy? I think he's telling the truth. Some things are just out of my control. I could really use that money but decided to issue a refund. Leap of faith. I may not get that mic back. I don't care. I bought it from a pawnshop 20 years ago for $20 back before people went insane with paying high prices for old goods. They sell for up to $600 today. But why don't I care? Well, I do care. Like I said I can use the money but today I have faith that I will get that money another way. I needn't worry about it. I started a new job teaching kids how to play music better, just that spiritual victory alone says I am going in a healthy direction. A busted mic is just that, the past. Gone. Finito Mussolini. Teaching kids? That feels like heaven to me. A job that doesn't feel like a job. That's my present, not my past. I'm in love with my present.
So this month has been a month of financial setbacks. A test of faith is what it feels like. I'm watching my savings decrease. I don't like that. But then again, money is a tool, nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with my actual self worth. I am glad I have savings in this challenging moment. A few years ago I didn't even have the concept of savings. I just borrowed to keep myself fed. That sucked. Truly. Don't do it kids, there is always a way.
So why did I title this Burning Bridges? I've learned that many successful people burned a lot of bridges behind them which enabled them to not entertain the idea of going back. I haven't burned too many bridges, some but not a lot, the difference is those that have succeeded had an idea of where they were going. A powerful vision. Faith. Without that what do you have? Today I know exactly what I want to do. It has never changed really, I was just too scared to admit that I want to be successful in music and am willing to do whatever it takes to live that dream. The last of my clutter lies in my other blog, the one about fixing tube amps. I have some tubes to sell, and my tube tester, and my bias meter. This stuff has to go. It merely represents my fear of totally letting go of my past. It represents my "back up plan" in case things go totally wrong or simply just don't work out. I've been there before when I moved to Los Angeles. I had no job for the first 4 months there and was the happiest I had ever been. Oh, I was scared, but rather than look for work I wrote music all day. By the end of that summer that music was pulling me in a direction like a magnet. Trouble was, I had burned through my savings and I was scared to death. So I got a job doing the same thing I did for 20 years, fixing tube amps. I lied to get that job saying I was excited to build this division in the company to my new employer when truth was I was burned out and wanted nothing to do with it. After 5 months that lie got me a nervous break. Lying takes a tremendous amount of energy you see. Yeah, it was a smart choice in one way, perhaps the best I had at that time. Fix amps or lose my apartment and wind up on the street in the City of Lost Angels. At least that's what it looked like. I hated letting my employer down. Hated it. Felt awful. It's a burnt bridge I'm not proud of. But on the other hand, I can't go back to that job. That in itself is a blessing in an odd way.
So today I earned doing something I truly love. I'm hooked. I'm hungry for sharing and being of service. I'm hungry to become a better teacher, musician, writer, producer, composer. I'm hungry for a better life. I'm no longer starving, it's just the right amount of hunger. And I love it.
JB
No comments:
Post a Comment