Some days I wish my addictions were to concrete things so I could simply quit them, do my 12 steps and move on with my life. For me they aren't so obvious. Being addicted to negative feelings, it took me 40 years to become aware that I could even be addicted to the actual feelings themselves. If I were doing heroin I would have to avoid the pusher man. Me, I have to avoid negative leaning people, hard to do because the pusher man who sells negative vibes is on every corner. The Internet is the negative vibe super highway. Easy to fall ff the wagon if I join a forum, or even look at my Facebook feed or scroll down to see Youtube comments. The Internet has given so much voice to those who aren't willing to actually make any changes, and would rather wallow in self hatred and self pity while trying to tear people down who are in the world making a difference. Why is this the way?
I've experienced that with compulsive disease you can go from one addiction to the next. You don't even see the next one coming. Some time after 9/11 I became a news junkie. No joke. I couldn't walk past a news box without looking at a headline. I used to park myself at the Burgerville restaurant on MLK in Portland just so I could read the ribbon of lies on CNN. When I got honest about it I quit cold turkey with little support. The strangest thing happened. I went through physical withdrawals much like my friends going cold turkey from heroin. Wake up screaming, night sweats, fevers, the runs. So much emotion uncorked I didn't know what to do. They subsided then whenever I would see a headline I would get nauseous. I would have to remove myself right away. The news. That's messed up.
I slid into debting. This was around the time I started my own business. I would look at the gross and never the net so it seemed like I could handle spending beyond my means and paying up later. There were days when I'd be sitting in my little shop on Mississippi Avenue in Portland and the handsome Fedex or UPS guy would bring me a large box with a saxophone in it I didn't remember buying. Needless to say this system crashed. I had a nervous break in Los Angeles and had to come home and re-boot my engine. I could no longer debt and threw myself into a support program. I had to admit I was a money drunk. Then.....
In Los Angeles I was paying $800 a month to maintain my debt. I learned to manage $30. I ate well, learned to cook and live on very little. And, I slipped into deprivation. The total opposite of debting. Deprivation is the worst I've experienced I think. But I'm finding my balance. With deprivation the low is the high. I suppose all along with my negative attitude the low has always been the high though. It's great to not have to do anything cause I was always right, inferior, superior, pious, worthless. Blame was king! It's awesome now to know that none of this is the truth at all. We are all equal. We are all capable. We are all lovable. That includes me.
Deprivation, the core of my addiction is right there, that feeling of worthlessness, that feeling of not deserving. I don't know that it will ever go away, that madness, I do know I can counter it by enjoying my life, dressing better, combing my hair, going out to eat at nice places, buying furniture and ridding myself of clutter be it stuff, relationships that no longer serve me or ideas that no longer serve me. A cluttered room is a cluttered mind. A tidy room with a nice desk, bed and comfy chair is heaven on earth. Being able to appreciate what I do have is heaven on earth. Being present, alive and in the moment is heaven on earth. That's the groove I'm working hard to stay with.
There is no point to any of this if I don't decide to enjoy this wonderful life. I decided to have fun for the rest of my temporary Earthly experience. Some days I struggle with that, but more days than not I'm getting better at enjoying life. One day at a time.
JB
I've experienced that with compulsive disease you can go from one addiction to the next. You don't even see the next one coming. Some time after 9/11 I became a news junkie. No joke. I couldn't walk past a news box without looking at a headline. I used to park myself at the Burgerville restaurant on MLK in Portland just so I could read the ribbon of lies on CNN. When I got honest about it I quit cold turkey with little support. The strangest thing happened. I went through physical withdrawals much like my friends going cold turkey from heroin. Wake up screaming, night sweats, fevers, the runs. So much emotion uncorked I didn't know what to do. They subsided then whenever I would see a headline I would get nauseous. I would have to remove myself right away. The news. That's messed up.
I slid into debting. This was around the time I started my own business. I would look at the gross and never the net so it seemed like I could handle spending beyond my means and paying up later. There were days when I'd be sitting in my little shop on Mississippi Avenue in Portland and the handsome Fedex or UPS guy would bring me a large box with a saxophone in it I didn't remember buying. Needless to say this system crashed. I had a nervous break in Los Angeles and had to come home and re-boot my engine. I could no longer debt and threw myself into a support program. I had to admit I was a money drunk. Then.....
In Los Angeles I was paying $800 a month to maintain my debt. I learned to manage $30. I ate well, learned to cook and live on very little. And, I slipped into deprivation. The total opposite of debting. Deprivation is the worst I've experienced I think. But I'm finding my balance. With deprivation the low is the high. I suppose all along with my negative attitude the low has always been the high though. It's great to not have to do anything cause I was always right, inferior, superior, pious, worthless. Blame was king! It's awesome now to know that none of this is the truth at all. We are all equal. We are all capable. We are all lovable. That includes me.
Deprivation, the core of my addiction is right there, that feeling of worthlessness, that feeling of not deserving. I don't know that it will ever go away, that madness, I do know I can counter it by enjoying my life, dressing better, combing my hair, going out to eat at nice places, buying furniture and ridding myself of clutter be it stuff, relationships that no longer serve me or ideas that no longer serve me. A cluttered room is a cluttered mind. A tidy room with a nice desk, bed and comfy chair is heaven on earth. Being able to appreciate what I do have is heaven on earth. Being present, alive and in the moment is heaven on earth. That's the groove I'm working hard to stay with.
There is no point to any of this if I don't decide to enjoy this wonderful life. I decided to have fun for the rest of my temporary Earthly experience. Some days I struggle with that, but more days than not I'm getting better at enjoying life. One day at a time.
JB
No comments:
Post a Comment