Any economic, political, spiritual, tribal system is rooted in the idea 'for the good of us all'. I really do think people are doing their best with whatever information they have regardless of whether I agree with their choices or not. And any system causes harm no matter what. Harm to the psyche. Harm to the person who is doing no more than their best to realize their highest self. At one point I held a large capacity for judgement of my fellow beings, but it's obvious to me now that we are all a part of some set of patterns, a system, and we are all damaged by that system. I can see it in myself. How I've judged people particularly those who are doing better than I. Any time I've put someone else down it was merely cause I've been taught to be afraid for them and afraid for myself.
I'm working on my capacity for compassion these days and it's going well. It's all I really want now. How do I want the rest of my days on Earth to be? I'd rather give away all I have than be stingy and worried about money, love, status etc. Will anyone notice? On my authentic days I could care less. That's the most honest thing I can come up with. To be compassionate and loving is still self interest. The internet troll has no power if I admit this right away.
I am born and raised in the United States of America. It's a lovely and vast piece of land. No matter how much I lie to myself, I am conditioned so deeply as an American I've had a hard time imagining a better way of life than what I have here. Let's look at the obvious. It's a capitalist society. There are things about that that I've come to enjoy and there is a tremendous amount of damage in myself due to my conditioning. If I were from Russia, Cuba, Germany, Iraq, it would merely be another set of patterns to work with and against to do my best work. I don't blame any particular country or system, in fact at this age I would be foolish to blame anyone or anything for the dis-satisfaction in my life. My eyes are open just enough to see what is going on and I know I have ample options for healing and growth.
Where is this article coming from? I'm an artist. I'm decent at what I do. I feel I can do much better work but rather spend my time on Facebook or Netflix, or worse yet scurrying back and forth making a 'living', chasing dollars around and seeking approval. I don't like this. I'm at a point where I know it's time for change. It's time, if I'm at all serious about contributing gifts to make a better world, I need to cast off this horrible conditioning.
Gifts. Now there is the word. I've lived my life as a stingy person. "Where's the money???" It's always about the money. Money money money money money money money! This is what has held be back the most. It's an important subject to think about, but it's been an obsession. It creates more fear than love, sex or status. My relationship to money has kept me from taking any real risk, even when my rent was $200 a month! Kept me from booking that tour, amplifying whatever gifts I have. Years of negative messages from folks conditioned (myself included!!!) by our industrial revolution cookie cutter cog in the machine education come up whenever I book a gig or get closer to competing my album. "Oh you'll embarrass yourself! You may lose all that money! Your rhythm needs work! You aren't as good as John Fahey so who wants to buy this? How dare you?" and the worst of them all: "If you succeed you'll be as much of a sellout/phony/braggart as the guy you've learned to despise!"
I'm aware of all these things. My conditioning has given that part of my brain ample fuel to resist getting the job done. It's all about being one with the pack. Being in the middle. Invisible.
My friends who enjoy the most success were generous from day one. Just an observation. Oh, they aren't perfect, just more giving than I've been. And their work connects better as a result. Clear ideas, clear sound, they don't do it for the money. Me? I've always said that I don't do it for the money but, that's always been an issue. And maybe it has been for my friends too. I don't know the answer to this one, I just know that I'm letting go of this toxin.
I did a solo gig recently. All the resistance showed up in the hours leading up to it. "There'll be no one there, you suck, you'll never make a living at this, give up and let the pros handle it, just fix their amps and get as much money as you can from that, you can earn a 'decent' living from that." From the first note I felt shame. Suicide thoughts. The sound man was checking his text on his Iphone, in the back of the room the couple on a date were looking at the guys vacation photos as he talked about the hiking and stuff louder than my little acoustic guitar. I laughed a little. It's a cruel reality. Steve Jobs has created the crack cocaine of devices and I'm hooked too, though I would never check my email in front of a performer.
Then the couple quieted. They didn't leave. They listened for a while. Some more folks drifted in. Oh yes, I didn't even announce that I was performing and, well, that is my responsibility. The sound in the little room was fantastic. And for a while I could no longer be Jef Brown, American, capitalist conditioned, depressed guy. I could just be a channel. The artist occupying this body. People came and went and showed appreciation. A really negative mind turned positive not because of the audience, but because it's my spiritual imperative to do my best for me. Best I can hope for is the folks in front of me will dig it. That's it.
Lately I don't sell my records at shows. I give them away. My capitalist conditioned mind has been really upset about that. I gave a pair to another couple that night and they insisted on paying me. That doesn't happen often but I won't turn down the dollar either. Usually I'm met with guilt. "I can't just take it, I want it but have no money! I feel bad." Well then, just take it. Please take it! For every record gone it makes more room for me so the recipient is physically helping me out. It helps my spirit to have more space in my little apartment. And most importantly, it's out in the world making a small difference in someone else's life. Again if I actually focus on what is important, being more generous, more compassionate, more loving, having a healthier spirit therefore healthier mind and body, than I realize the truth which is all I do is create gifts. I don't need financial compensation for my creative work. I appreciate it but that's not why I'm doing it.
See, my work and the industrial revolution don't really go well together. It's that simple. I didn't enjoy Berklee College of music cause the focus was on the industrial revolution: "Here is how you become a working musician, by following the rules. Here is how jazz is played properly." When the internet troll left me a snarky comment on a video I was playing in about my sound he was really saying "I feel unsafe because you don't sound like what I've been led to believe a sax player should sound like". Sad for that person. I hear things I don't dig all the time. I w hopefully have never left a comment that can shut someone down. With that knowledge I can move on and keep doing my thing quickly. That poisonous thinking has gone deep into my own mind. It's taken a village to help me find the child I am once again. A village that really gets it. A village that says 'you're doing your thing, go for it!'
Lordy. Imagine if school were like that! "Whoah kid, that's something I haven't seen before! Keep running with that ball and see where you can take it or where it can take you!"
For now it's just embracing that child and one day at a time shaking off the oppression of blind capitalism and the culture of conformity. For now it's just remembering why I do what I do and keep practicing the art of giving it away. Practice makes better after all!
J
I'm working on my capacity for compassion these days and it's going well. It's all I really want now. How do I want the rest of my days on Earth to be? I'd rather give away all I have than be stingy and worried about money, love, status etc. Will anyone notice? On my authentic days I could care less. That's the most honest thing I can come up with. To be compassionate and loving is still self interest. The internet troll has no power if I admit this right away.
I am born and raised in the United States of America. It's a lovely and vast piece of land. No matter how much I lie to myself, I am conditioned so deeply as an American I've had a hard time imagining a better way of life than what I have here. Let's look at the obvious. It's a capitalist society. There are things about that that I've come to enjoy and there is a tremendous amount of damage in myself due to my conditioning. If I were from Russia, Cuba, Germany, Iraq, it would merely be another set of patterns to work with and against to do my best work. I don't blame any particular country or system, in fact at this age I would be foolish to blame anyone or anything for the dis-satisfaction in my life. My eyes are open just enough to see what is going on and I know I have ample options for healing and growth.
Where is this article coming from? I'm an artist. I'm decent at what I do. I feel I can do much better work but rather spend my time on Facebook or Netflix, or worse yet scurrying back and forth making a 'living', chasing dollars around and seeking approval. I don't like this. I'm at a point where I know it's time for change. It's time, if I'm at all serious about contributing gifts to make a better world, I need to cast off this horrible conditioning.
Gifts. Now there is the word. I've lived my life as a stingy person. "Where's the money???" It's always about the money. Money money money money money money money! This is what has held be back the most. It's an important subject to think about, but it's been an obsession. It creates more fear than love, sex or status. My relationship to money has kept me from taking any real risk, even when my rent was $200 a month! Kept me from booking that tour, amplifying whatever gifts I have. Years of negative messages from folks conditioned (myself included!!!) by our industrial revolution cookie cutter cog in the machine education come up whenever I book a gig or get closer to competing my album. "Oh you'll embarrass yourself! You may lose all that money! Your rhythm needs work! You aren't as good as John Fahey so who wants to buy this? How dare you?" and the worst of them all: "If you succeed you'll be as much of a sellout/phony/braggart as the guy you've learned to despise!"
I'm aware of all these things. My conditioning has given that part of my brain ample fuel to resist getting the job done. It's all about being one with the pack. Being in the middle. Invisible.
My friends who enjoy the most success were generous from day one. Just an observation. Oh, they aren't perfect, just more giving than I've been. And their work connects better as a result. Clear ideas, clear sound, they don't do it for the money. Me? I've always said that I don't do it for the money but, that's always been an issue. And maybe it has been for my friends too. I don't know the answer to this one, I just know that I'm letting go of this toxin.
I did a solo gig recently. All the resistance showed up in the hours leading up to it. "There'll be no one there, you suck, you'll never make a living at this, give up and let the pros handle it, just fix their amps and get as much money as you can from that, you can earn a 'decent' living from that." From the first note I felt shame. Suicide thoughts. The sound man was checking his text on his Iphone, in the back of the room the couple on a date were looking at the guys vacation photos as he talked about the hiking and stuff louder than my little acoustic guitar. I laughed a little. It's a cruel reality. Steve Jobs has created the crack cocaine of devices and I'm hooked too, though I would never check my email in front of a performer.
Then the couple quieted. They didn't leave. They listened for a while. Some more folks drifted in. Oh yes, I didn't even announce that I was performing and, well, that is my responsibility. The sound in the little room was fantastic. And for a while I could no longer be Jef Brown, American, capitalist conditioned, depressed guy. I could just be a channel. The artist occupying this body. People came and went and showed appreciation. A really negative mind turned positive not because of the audience, but because it's my spiritual imperative to do my best for me. Best I can hope for is the folks in front of me will dig it. That's it.
Lately I don't sell my records at shows. I give them away. My capitalist conditioned mind has been really upset about that. I gave a pair to another couple that night and they insisted on paying me. That doesn't happen often but I won't turn down the dollar either. Usually I'm met with guilt. "I can't just take it, I want it but have no money! I feel bad." Well then, just take it. Please take it! For every record gone it makes more room for me so the recipient is physically helping me out. It helps my spirit to have more space in my little apartment. And most importantly, it's out in the world making a small difference in someone else's life. Again if I actually focus on what is important, being more generous, more compassionate, more loving, having a healthier spirit therefore healthier mind and body, than I realize the truth which is all I do is create gifts. I don't need financial compensation for my creative work. I appreciate it but that's not why I'm doing it.
See, my work and the industrial revolution don't really go well together. It's that simple. I didn't enjoy Berklee College of music cause the focus was on the industrial revolution: "Here is how you become a working musician, by following the rules. Here is how jazz is played properly." When the internet troll left me a snarky comment on a video I was playing in about my sound he was really saying "I feel unsafe because you don't sound like what I've been led to believe a sax player should sound like". Sad for that person. I hear things I don't dig all the time. I w hopefully have never left a comment that can shut someone down. With that knowledge I can move on and keep doing my thing quickly. That poisonous thinking has gone deep into my own mind. It's taken a village to help me find the child I am once again. A village that really gets it. A village that says 'you're doing your thing, go for it!'
Lordy. Imagine if school were like that! "Whoah kid, that's something I haven't seen before! Keep running with that ball and see where you can take it or where it can take you!"
For now it's just embracing that child and one day at a time shaking off the oppression of blind capitalism and the culture of conformity. For now it's just remembering why I do what I do and keep practicing the art of giving it away. Practice makes better after all!
J
No comments:
Post a Comment