In 2011 I reluctantly left Los Angeles with my tail between my legs. I had lost my apartment, had no money to get another one together, a $28,000 debt hanging over me that I could no longer manage, my closest friend Barry had just passed away, the job I had was about to become too much for me since I didn't want to solder amps back together 8 hours a day, some mis-understandings happened and I suffered a nervous break. It happened on the night of a performance at the Echo Curio house. And look, it's on video!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxyuBDRBus8
Believe it or not everything felt in slow motion during this performance. Every nerve ending was collapsing into the ether. It was a terrifying feeling. Acid free too. I'm grateful Steven was here to drum the bad spirits into some submission. God knows what would have happened otherwise. (I'm grateful Steven has that moose on his drumhead! I need reminders to not take myself too seriously!)
The next 3 days I felt numb. I cried in the rain in front of the laundromat. It felt good to have such a release. I didn't know if things would get better or not. The debts hadn't been sold yet to the collectors but that was on the way. I became terrified of my phone. Paranoid. I knew they wouldn't just call me, they would harass my parents in an attempt to shame me into profit.
I started noticing whenever I got on the freeway, which is the worst place to be in LA, I felt a sense of freedom. A little voice kept saying it's time to go back east. You need to move to New York. So I made that decision. It wasn't difficult either. New York is a great place to get there, LA is for the man who has already arrived. I had a long, long road ahead. It was obvious. So I packed it in. Took me only a few hours to pack the van up. My father and I were to meet in Oregon and drive back to Maryland together.
When I arrived in Portland I was with my friend Kelvin. It was about 3am and I dropped him off and headed to a friends place to stay. It had been almost a year since I left and I drove through the city slowly just taking it in like the first day I arrived 15 years prior. I saw the new tram tracks, solar buildings. I thought to myself this is one good looking modern city. It's kind of the city of my fathers dreams with all those green buildings going in. Funny. Just a year before I resented change. All that sunshine and fresh orange juice in LA did something to my brain.
Evolutionary Jass Band had a reunion show at Valentines. It was rainy. There wasn't enough space in the venue for our dear fans. That felt good. We played better than ever that night, with more maturity and space. I'm grateful for that show.
Leaving Portland this time was even harder than a year before. Leaving all that love behind is no small feat. I just knew I couldn't stay any longer.
The drive across the country was nice. My dad is up there so it was great to spend time in the van with him. I told him in 6 months I was moving to New York. If I was still in the house in a year they need to throw me out with all my stuff. I told him I love he and mom and they cannot enable me. I know full well at this point I look for enablers, out of love this couldn't happen. At this point he didn't know about my financial mess. It just hurt way too much to say anything.
Funny. When I lost the apartment Dave Sitek offered me a room in his place to crash. I told him the same thing. I was grateful but couldn't let that happen until some healing was done. I'm ever grateful to him and David Cousin who lives with him. Cousin really helped me keep my sanity by playing 20 games of scrabble a week with me. He was a former debt collector so he prepared me on what to say. I couldn't believe I had rights, which is exactly the opposite of what the debt man wants you to believe.
When I arrived in Maryland I didn't know what to do. I needed a job but I also couldn't lie like I did to my last boss and get a great job which I would regret leaving. No, I hate letting people down like that. I needed a job where no matter what I did I couldn't feel indispensable. I needed an industrial revolution type job where there are 200 applicants who could do just as well when I leave, a job where I mattered little. And I needed it fast. So I applied to Guitar Center.
I got the job right away. I knew the store manager and I had friends there. It hurt to act psyched to get the job, I didn't want to be there. I was earning between $35-$75 an hour before, and I just took a job that earned me $7.25 an hour. Those of you who have been through this know the special kind of pain I'm sharing about. It sucks. To earn well at your craft and being freelance you need to be positive. It's really hard to stay positive working for a big corporation after you've felt a sense of autonomy.
My first day of work I put on my Guitar Center button down and walked to my van. My mom told me I looked handsome and I had this horrible flashback of being 6 years old getting on the bus on my way to my first day of school. Except that I'm not a kid and there is no sense of wonder or fear, just a sense of 'how did I sink this low?' I knew I would get along with most of the folks, and I'm grateful to all of them since they were all great, but I also knew I would be standing on my feet all day, bored, trying to stay sane with an enormous amount of horrific noise around me. I knew I wouldn't fit in to the cult of corporate America as well. Any moment they would see the impostor. I just needed enough money to move to New York. 6 months.
My mother kissed me goodbye and I cried the whole 27 mile drive to my new job. I screamed in my van in the parking lot. After that, I could be useful. Positive. One of my first clients was a lawyer in his 40's. He wanted to get back into playing guitar. This was his 4th visit. He wanted an Epiphone Les Paul. He had a mini breakdown. There are over 40 versions of that stupid guitar and he couldn't decide what was best for him. He teared up. I put my hand on his shoulder and said 'it's alright man'. I felt useful. A bit more special cog in the machine than I imagined. Guitar Center employees are human too. So are the customers. That was enough to keep me going.
Somehow things worked themselves out. Little did I know I would play at Carnegie Hall in less than a year from that day. I felt nervous telling the crew I was leaving but I knew they would find someone better for the job fast. The debt collectors started calling, some were drunk! But one little day at a time my fear of them abated. I cease and desisted them until I could make a clear plan. I didn't know this was my right and thanks to my Scrabble partner and a lot of support, I needn't walk in fear and shame.
Life is better and continues to get better. It's August in New York and for a freelancer this is a tough time to earn a living. But I've learned to manage things better with a lot of help from friends and I'm okay. Best part is just sharing the story, knowing where I came from. Victim thinker to survivor on my way to thriver. And I hope that some of this is useful to those reading.
J
Special thanks to my family, the 2011 Guitar Center crew, Steven, Autumn, Michael Jacob Rochlin, Lon Cohen, the Footes and the Daves. Could not have done this without you. xoj
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxyuBDRBus8
Believe it or not everything felt in slow motion during this performance. Every nerve ending was collapsing into the ether. It was a terrifying feeling. Acid free too. I'm grateful Steven was here to drum the bad spirits into some submission. God knows what would have happened otherwise. (I'm grateful Steven has that moose on his drumhead! I need reminders to not take myself too seriously!)
The next 3 days I felt numb. I cried in the rain in front of the laundromat. It felt good to have such a release. I didn't know if things would get better or not. The debts hadn't been sold yet to the collectors but that was on the way. I became terrified of my phone. Paranoid. I knew they wouldn't just call me, they would harass my parents in an attempt to shame me into profit.
I started noticing whenever I got on the freeway, which is the worst place to be in LA, I felt a sense of freedom. A little voice kept saying it's time to go back east. You need to move to New York. So I made that decision. It wasn't difficult either. New York is a great place to get there, LA is for the man who has already arrived. I had a long, long road ahead. It was obvious. So I packed it in. Took me only a few hours to pack the van up. My father and I were to meet in Oregon and drive back to Maryland together.
When I arrived in Portland I was with my friend Kelvin. It was about 3am and I dropped him off and headed to a friends place to stay. It had been almost a year since I left and I drove through the city slowly just taking it in like the first day I arrived 15 years prior. I saw the new tram tracks, solar buildings. I thought to myself this is one good looking modern city. It's kind of the city of my fathers dreams with all those green buildings going in. Funny. Just a year before I resented change. All that sunshine and fresh orange juice in LA did something to my brain.
Evolutionary Jass Band had a reunion show at Valentines. It was rainy. There wasn't enough space in the venue for our dear fans. That felt good. We played better than ever that night, with more maturity and space. I'm grateful for that show.
Leaving Portland this time was even harder than a year before. Leaving all that love behind is no small feat. I just knew I couldn't stay any longer.
The drive across the country was nice. My dad is up there so it was great to spend time in the van with him. I told him in 6 months I was moving to New York. If I was still in the house in a year they need to throw me out with all my stuff. I told him I love he and mom and they cannot enable me. I know full well at this point I look for enablers, out of love this couldn't happen. At this point he didn't know about my financial mess. It just hurt way too much to say anything.
Funny. When I lost the apartment Dave Sitek offered me a room in his place to crash. I told him the same thing. I was grateful but couldn't let that happen until some healing was done. I'm ever grateful to him and David Cousin who lives with him. Cousin really helped me keep my sanity by playing 20 games of scrabble a week with me. He was a former debt collector so he prepared me on what to say. I couldn't believe I had rights, which is exactly the opposite of what the debt man wants you to believe.
When I arrived in Maryland I didn't know what to do. I needed a job but I also couldn't lie like I did to my last boss and get a great job which I would regret leaving. No, I hate letting people down like that. I needed a job where no matter what I did I couldn't feel indispensable. I needed an industrial revolution type job where there are 200 applicants who could do just as well when I leave, a job where I mattered little. And I needed it fast. So I applied to Guitar Center.
I got the job right away. I knew the store manager and I had friends there. It hurt to act psyched to get the job, I didn't want to be there. I was earning between $35-$75 an hour before, and I just took a job that earned me $7.25 an hour. Those of you who have been through this know the special kind of pain I'm sharing about. It sucks. To earn well at your craft and being freelance you need to be positive. It's really hard to stay positive working for a big corporation after you've felt a sense of autonomy.
My first day of work I put on my Guitar Center button down and walked to my van. My mom told me I looked handsome and I had this horrible flashback of being 6 years old getting on the bus on my way to my first day of school. Except that I'm not a kid and there is no sense of wonder or fear, just a sense of 'how did I sink this low?' I knew I would get along with most of the folks, and I'm grateful to all of them since they were all great, but I also knew I would be standing on my feet all day, bored, trying to stay sane with an enormous amount of horrific noise around me. I knew I wouldn't fit in to the cult of corporate America as well. Any moment they would see the impostor. I just needed enough money to move to New York. 6 months.
My mother kissed me goodbye and I cried the whole 27 mile drive to my new job. I screamed in my van in the parking lot. After that, I could be useful. Positive. One of my first clients was a lawyer in his 40's. He wanted to get back into playing guitar. This was his 4th visit. He wanted an Epiphone Les Paul. He had a mini breakdown. There are over 40 versions of that stupid guitar and he couldn't decide what was best for him. He teared up. I put my hand on his shoulder and said 'it's alright man'. I felt useful. A bit more special cog in the machine than I imagined. Guitar Center employees are human too. So are the customers. That was enough to keep me going.
Somehow things worked themselves out. Little did I know I would play at Carnegie Hall in less than a year from that day. I felt nervous telling the crew I was leaving but I knew they would find someone better for the job fast. The debt collectors started calling, some were drunk! But one little day at a time my fear of them abated. I cease and desisted them until I could make a clear plan. I didn't know this was my right and thanks to my Scrabble partner and a lot of support, I needn't walk in fear and shame.
Life is better and continues to get better. It's August in New York and for a freelancer this is a tough time to earn a living. But I've learned to manage things better with a lot of help from friends and I'm okay. Best part is just sharing the story, knowing where I came from. Victim thinker to survivor on my way to thriver. And I hope that some of this is useful to those reading.
J
Special thanks to my family, the 2011 Guitar Center crew, Steven, Autumn, Michael Jacob Rochlin, Lon Cohen, the Footes and the Daves. Could not have done this without you. xoj
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