What is my deepest fear? Why do I tolerate that fear? Why do I worry about it and why do I tolerate that worry?
Fear of death? Nah, that's not it. I have no control over when and where I will be called home, I do have control over how I treat my body, eating right, not drinking too much, exercising, wearing a bike helmet if I bike. But ultimately I fully accept I'm not going to be here forever. Life on Earth for me is a temporary experience bookended by the 2 greater mysteries: where did I come from and where am I going. We'll get back to this in a few paragraphs because I feel like some of my actual fear arises in my silly human attempt to answer these questions by believing in what so called 'holy' men have told me to believe centuries ago.
Fear of success? Not so much any more. I accept that with success comes more responsibility. Even the success of marriage and starting a family. Think about our language: "so Jef when are you going to settle down?" No thank you. Why do we think of marriage and family as "settling down?" I don't wish to settle down.....perhaps committing to another human to build something needs to be looked at as "stepping up", which to me really is the truth. Bringing a life into this world is bringing more energy into it. The language "settling down" has really kept me from "stepping up" to that plate, and while I am happy sitting in my bright little room with a meager bank account surrounded by my instruments, I think that is most unfortunate. How did I turn 46 without experiencing the ring? I don't view this as "escaping marriage" or any other cute little thing, I meet men and women daily who are baffled by this in themselves.
So it must be the fear of failure or fear of rejection.
Nope. I've failed so many times in this life. That isn't what stops me from trying. And really I can look back and be happy I've had so much failure, I have made attempts but that failure really can be summed up in this: my lack of commitment. My lack of following through to the bitter end. There is a fear that paralyzes me, on greater and deeper than death itself.
It's the fear of "meh, whatever." The fear of mediocrity. Nothing causes more terror in this soul than this. It creates its own monster over and over again. It may be the only thing I feel victimized by and I am no victim.
"To become a success is to become a sellout". I hear this over and over and over again in the field of music. And look at the examples of success we have to prove this: Kenny G, thousands of hours of the same bland hip hop tracks I hear pumping from war canoes in the street, music in the same low vibe movie Hollywood produces again and again and again. To be a success is to "settle down" into a mediocre place of pleasing people again and again.
Look at the nature of being a politician. You cannot take a chance. 300 million people will blame you for leading us wrong in a nation where we supposedly are the leaders (I still know this to be true). So the politician can only find the bland middle ground to keep a job. There are no true radicals. If you choose to take a giant step you will be out of a job with millions of people blaming you in a sea of self pity too lazy to raise our voices and actually change what we want to change. So the politician settles down into a role of being respectable. Is being respectable being alive? Being your natural, eccentric, excellent self? I don't think so. Who really wants that? Who really wants to settle down? My core being would rather die.
Can we imagine a world where success meant stepping up into our most excellent selves regardless of whatever reward we may want? If the reward was "wow, you are actually being honest and that is enough". Can we imagine a world where we didn't say "settling down" and replaced it with a more positive "stepping up" when it comes to commitment and responsibility?
It is a challenge in this world we have created, a world that encourages and even rewards mediocrity. It starts the minute we are born and last until we realize we don't care what anyone thinks about us and if we are lucky enough to wake up from this bad dream, we have a day where we don't compare ourselves to anyone else. We are unique beings, we can contribute in a unique way to this beautiful temporary existence. And this existence is temporary. I have seen amazing changes with friends who had near death experiences. Heck, in my 30's I though I was going to die. My energy for about 2 years was just...low. I had no idea what was going on but I must have decided to live and have as much fun as I could. When I think about that time, I was having a good time. I pissed off a few people but that's really not my problem. My creative output was really high at this time as well. I got my health back (simple matter of sleep apnea and the cure was to sleep on my stomach!) and have continued to live and create but, this fear lately has been gnawing at my neck the more I step up for this life.
I can feel it when I talk about what my vision is, goals are and steps I'm taking to actualize that vision. It's a physical feeling. This horrible dullness. It feels evil. Satan is a boring chap, hopelessly boring. Dull as dishwater. We all
Man what are you talking about? Isn't it the devil that tells us to be all crazy?
What is crazy? Partying too much? Writing generic misogynistic hip hop music with lots of swear words? It's all adhering to a pattern is it not? Buying a house you can't afford? Joining a church and being told how to live? Loving thy neighbor yet killing him slowly with jealousy while messing up ones own groove by out buying him with that new car? Why do these things? Cause someone you deem more successful than you has done them? I don't know. All of the above is pretty dead and boring to me. The devil bores me, always did, always will.
Fear dulls my days. Mediocrity and fear are worth a lot of money to those who thrive on a low vibration. I don't fight it, I am powerless over it. I just do my best to not participate. It's so slick. The fear creeps in slowly through all those advertisements I see on the G train and all the language of people I interact with. Powerless. On my good days I can just observe and be aware, then proceed to the best of my ability....and don't watch the news.
So how did I get here in this moment where I am happier but not satisfied with my little life? I wasn't raised religious myself but had plenty of exposure to the concept of heaven. "Oh this life can suck cause it's all about the afterlife, yeah, the afterlife will do." Will it? Can one prove to me that there is an afterlife? That I will come back as a president or a rock star next time?
Hmm. I think we found a root of this colossal laziness, maybe the root. At least for me it's possibly the root. It's information handed to us from thousands of years ago written down by people high on wine and eating moldy bread causing hallucinations. Dude, when a guy tripping on acid tries to tell me how to live I tell him to shut up.
What if this is all the time I do have? Then what?
If that is my mind set I'm more apt to live better. Oddly enough I've lived in this silly idea that if I live a proper life (which I've thank God, FAILED at so completely!!!) I will be rewarded in heaven, if not I burn in hell. Maybe it's just what we make of life. Hell exist on Earth just as Heaven does. It's really about owning my mistakes for me. If I avoid them, I create my own hell, my own miserable, craptastic hopelessly boring mediocre hell. What is heaven for me? It's owning my stuff, taking responsibility and stepping up making the best music I can make, the best treatment of others I can give, being of the best service I can be. It's taking the best care of myself and others as I am capable of.
What's been given to me as the language of marriage, success, it's rooted in the hell concept (settling DOWN, selling OUT, DOWN & OUT!). It's no wonder I haven't given these things my all. And to now make waves and be respectable is to get to heaven. Oof.
So for now it's stepping UP and looking IN. I like this vibe much better. Perhaps I'll build me some heaven this way, or perhaps not. Whatever the results, it's new to me and I am an explorer.
J
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