Fear of visibility

  I just returned home from a walk in the cold. I'm becoming less of a fan of winter but I think if I walk more I can deal with it better. I need that exercise as today my anxiety, which has been historically low, has been on the high side of the meter.

  What is going on exactly? Well, it's the end of January and while I earned really well this fall, January was a bust. I needed to borrow from my savings I've worked hard for to make the rent. I don't like that. Part of it is I got used to earning a couple C-notes a day, that is my current standard, and this month I was ill for 10 days, my students were ill, a lot of things that are simply out of my control happened and I was too weak to do any real hustling. So today I actually felt that deep and horrible sense of shame around not being able to take someone out on a date cause I have little funds.

  Part of it of course is a result of choice. I gladly spent a lot on presents for the holidays, and I did so without any credit cards. I'm grateful that I have savings to draw from and I'm grateful I was able to buy gifts. Giving feels good. Being broke however, doesn't.

  But that's not it really. I've been worse before. Intellectually I know things will pick up again, in fact they already have. The faucet o' funds has gone from a slow drip to a trickle. I just need to make more calls and get out of my own way and I'll be on my way. So no, it's not about the broke. It's more about this: Today I decided I will never let myself get this low again. Ever. It's not acceptable. And that is coupled with a big picture item: I asked for success this year in my projects. I put a number to it as well. And....I can see it as a possibility. The lack of work and weakness this January has given me the time to create. Some of the stuff coming out is good, really good. Scary good. It may change my life. That bit about asking and the universe creating space, it's true. This isn't the first time, it's just the first time I've asked around the subject of music.

  I'm not scared. My patterns are terrified. They don't like this. They would rather see me dead. They are lying to me and today they are screaming at me. I feel them in my heart area. They want to take control so when I am more visible, they can show the world what a douche I really am so I will run back to their corner and hide. Hey, at the beginning of this blog I said I write here to practice being visible. I fear criticism, but now I'm less afraid of it, in fact, it doesn't bug me most days. My patterns hate that. They love to lead me to believe I'm right all the time rather than I'm human and right or wrong is really subjective in most cases.

  It could very well be that this slow month has just been exactly what I've asked for in motion. I really only have one skill that has the potential to earn me what I really want and that is music. It's the one thing the most time into.

  I asked God, Allah, Infinite Intelligence or whatever what I need to put down to move up. My computer died for a few days. I'm off my Netflix habit. Next answer is far deeper to solve:
I had a dream the other morning, a lucid dream. I was lying in my bed on my stomach and a woman was lying on my back. I could feel her weight. She was whispering to a man who was standing next to my bed: "don't wake him up" she whispered. I forced myself awake to get them out of my room and of course, there was no one there.

  What did it say to me? Stop carrying around other peoples business. Leave them alone. Be true to myself. That was the pattern: "don't wake him up". Don't say yes to other peoples projects or "love" just cause I feel I 'have to' or 'should' say yes. I have enough work to do. Another ones agenda is a huge distraction. It's one of the many ways to keep this life small and safe. It's weight and I don't need it. It's easy to hide out in a band or a job where someone else is running the show. No, I don't need to do that any longer. I need to expose myself and risk being called a 'sellout' or a fake or whatever unkind nonsense the jealous can come up with. Good god, who cares? What else is there to do in ones life but do ones best and put it out there?

  So today, this is what I'm feeling. I am getting exactly what I asked for and I'm in a state of resistance to that. When I feel anxiety I'm fighting the truth. I'm fighting love. I'm arguing with nature. It's futile. A waste of energy. A tree never fights the sun and never complains about the rain. It just sits there and provides shelter, beauty, oxygen, food, shade, it just gives service. So why would I complicate a relationship with nature?

  Ok, I feel better now. I hope the reader gains something from this post. Peace......

J

The rents are skyrocketing! Oh no....

  Every now and then I look at the ol' Facebook and see a post from one of my fellows in Portland where it seems the rents are just going bananas. "You can't find a 3 bedroom house for less that $1500 now, IT'S TERRIBLE! And the houses aren't even that good!!!!"

  Oh my. I don't even have words for how much I chuckle at this. I do empathize with the out of my control feeling of increasing rents. When I lived at 3614 North Michigan when my rent went from $200-$250 I was angry. I resented my slumlord, and yes, he was a true slumlord, for daring to ask more for his house he bought for $18k back in the 80's and did nothing to keep it up. It was indeed falling down.

  And yes, my rent was less than $300. When I had my storefront on Mississippi Avenue, the rent there was 'friend rate', $300. Prospective shop owners would ask me this every week and I would tell them and watch them turn beet red with frustration. I gloated, a little "eff you" to the new yuppie invaders.

  Wow, those last 3 paragraphs sucked.

  My last year in Portland I moved to 1818 SE Clinton. Had a 900 square foot one bedroom beautiful apartment for $875. It was the first attempt I made at living like a grownup. It felt really good. The management company kept the place up and were kind and mature. I realized with my cheap flophouse style of living I simply was no longer happy. I had fallen into the trap of looking for cheap rent and that being the priority. I always had weird and rather abusive dynamics with my landlords and I was always stressed out and resented paying the rent and oddly enough I was always......broke. Yes, even with my $250 room on Michigan Avenue I was broke. I had no savings. I worked 4 to 5 days a week. I wasn't happy. That's indicated by my sense of superiority towards my new neighbors. "See! I'm cool! I pay less than you ever will! I'm an artist!" Oy, that's gross.

  Today where I am writing this blog from I pay $925 for my bright little room in Brooklyn. That is cheap for my neighborhood. I looked on the Portland Craigslist and within 5 minutes found a studio apartment near my much missed Mississippi neighborhood for less than my room here. Oh I wish. It is a goal to live alone, live better, and I'm walking towards that goal every day. And besides, I need to be in NY, I love my life here so it's worth it to me.

  But what is so new to me is this: When I was hooked on cheap rent I was always stressed out. Stressed out in one of the mellowest cities in the USA and scraping together that little $250 rent and watching my checking account hover above zero the first of the month. Now I'm paying 4x that (I have a shared rehearsal space that cost another C-note) and I live in a city that is notoriously stressful, rude, nasty, and yet I feel calm most times. I make my rent with ease and have some money building up in the bank. And here's the thing: people have this illusion that you earn more money in NYC relative to other cities. No, I'm still earning roughly the same amount. It's eeking up as I focus on earning better but really, my taxes say it loud and clear: I'm on the cusp of poverty level when you look at the numbers.

  So what has changed?

  My habits first of all. I worked hard to give up all that resentment of people with money. I was $28k in debt when I left Portland. No, I can't blame Visa or the 1% people on that. I did that. I learned to pay attention to what I do bring in and how I spend.

  When I lived in Portland one day it dawned on me I was giving the Fresh Pot on Mississippi Avenue $300 a month. Yes, $3600 a year. Coffee and croissant plus tip 2x a day=$10 X 30 days. Hollow calories and yes, I was getting fat. I make my coffee at home now and it's better than any coffee shop. I reserve the coffee shop for meeting friends in and hanging out now. It's a treat, not a habit. And trust me, it was a tough habit to break.

  I also ate out an average of....3 meals a day. Again, great way to stay fat and broke. A great way to never value oneself. Making food can be a spiritual experience the same way making music, love, starting a business can be. If I'm not cooking daily, I'm missing out on time being alone or with a loved one. I'm probably rushing about not smelling the roses. I was always in a hurry in those lazy days, I like being busy but I identify it as this: I liked to look busy. I liked to think I was busy. It seemed like I was getting things done yet, I never completed 1/3 of my projects. The sense of urgency is really not necessary and will never get me anywhere.

  And that was just it. Coffee and bread 2x a day with no nutrients, no spending plan and no clear goals equals vagueness. I got high on "vagueing out". I could sit in my cold, dirty Michigan Avenue house and "be right" about my yuppie scum neighbors. I could hang out and complain about the world, a world I had no part in changing. Depression is the drug and I was hooked. Thing is, I don't thin anyone really likes being hooked. I didn't, that's why I was depressed. So I'm grateful to the folks around me at the time who were honest with me and led me to believe I could do better. Those who said "you know, you complain a lot, and you get sick a lot!"

  Really it came down to not having a spending plan. Taking the attitude of "how do I control my money and not be controlled by money?" Like a friend said when I was at my financial bottom: "If you can't manage thirty bucks right now then you can forget about managing $30,000 let alone a million. You will be broke in no time."

  I was a part of this soul band with some young folks when I lived there. They asked me about the rent and I told them. Their eyes lit up. "Cool!!!!" I said: "young men, shoot higher, this low rent business is a trap. Have a dream or you will turn 40 like me looking for the next abusive and tense situation to move in merely cause it's cheap andYOU ARE NOT CHEAP!"

  I think I've broken the cycle. It's taken a decision to do so and a lot of practice and an enormous amount of love and support from my friends. Like I said, I empathize with my Pacific West Coastians, I don't enjoy feeling out of control of my destiny. I hated hearing people say "if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem". I still don't buy that. That was the rhetoric in my punk house days. I like to think of it like this: "If I am not happy the problem is me." I'm a human being. I'm good at solving problems. That is what we do best. If I can solve my problem with the help of others, I can help others solve their problem too. And I do love to help.

  Beginning to think.....it's all just a state of mind.

J

The fear of "meh....."

  What is my deepest fear? Why do I tolerate that fear? Why do I worry about it and why do I tolerate that worry?

  Fear of death? Nah, that's not it. I have no control over when and where I will be called home, I do have control over how I treat my body, eating right, not drinking too much, exercising, wearing a bike helmet if I bike. But ultimately I fully accept I'm not going to be here forever. Life on Earth for me is a temporary experience bookended by the 2 greater mysteries: where did I come from and where am I going. We'll get back to this in a few paragraphs because I feel like some of my actual fear arises in my silly human attempt to answer these questions by believing in what so called 'holy' men have told me to believe centuries ago.

  Fear of success? Not so much any more. I accept that with success comes more responsibility. Even the success of marriage and starting a family. Think about our language: "so Jef when are you going to settle down?" No thank you. Why do we think of marriage and family as "settling down?" I don't wish to settle down.....perhaps committing to another human to build something needs to be looked at as "stepping up", which to me really is the truth. Bringing a life into this world is bringing more energy into it. The language "settling down" has really kept me from "stepping up" to that plate, and while I am happy sitting in my bright little room with a meager bank account surrounded by my instruments, I think that is most unfortunate. How did I turn 46 without experiencing the ring? I don't view this as "escaping marriage" or any other cute little thing, I meet men and women daily who are baffled by this in themselves.
 
  So it must be the fear of failure or fear of rejection.

 Nope. I've failed so many times in this life. That isn't what stops me from trying. And really I can look back and be happy I've had so much failure, I have made attempts but that failure really can be summed up in this: my lack of commitment. My lack of following through to the bitter end. There is a fear that paralyzes me, on greater and deeper than death itself.

  It's the fear of "meh, whatever." The fear of mediocrity. Nothing causes more terror in this soul than this. It creates its own monster over and over again. It may be the only thing I feel victimized by and I am no victim.

  "To become a success is to become a sellout". I hear this over and over and over again in the field of music. And look at the examples of success we have to prove this: Kenny G, thousands of hours of the same bland hip hop tracks I hear pumping from war canoes in the street, music in the same low vibe movie Hollywood produces again and again and again. To be a success is to "settle down" into a mediocre place of pleasing people again and again.

  Look at the nature of being a politician. You cannot take a chance. 300 million people will blame you for leading us wrong in a nation where we supposedly are the leaders (I still know this to be true). So the politician can only find the bland middle ground to keep a job. There are no true radicals. If you choose to take a giant step you will be out of a job with millions of people blaming you in a sea of self pity too lazy to raise our voices and actually change what we want to change. So the politician settles down into a role of being respectable. Is being respectable being alive? Being your natural, eccentric, excellent self? I don't think so. Who really wants that? Who really wants to settle down? My core being would rather die.

  Can we imagine a world where success meant stepping up into our most excellent selves regardless of whatever reward we may want? If the reward was "wow, you are actually being honest and that is enough". Can we imagine a world where we didn't say "settling down" and replaced it with a more positive "stepping up" when it comes to commitment and responsibility?

  It is a challenge in this world we have created, a world that encourages and even rewards mediocrity. It starts the minute we are born and last until we realize we don't care what anyone thinks about us and if we are lucky enough to wake up from this bad dream, we have a day where we don't compare ourselves to anyone else. We are unique beings, we can contribute in a unique way to this beautiful temporary existence. And this existence is temporary. I have seen amazing changes with friends who had near death experiences. Heck, in my 30's I though I was going to die. My energy for about 2 years was just...low. I had no idea what was going on but I must have decided to live and have as much fun as I could. When I think about that time, I was having a good time. I pissed off a few people but that's really not my problem. My creative output was really high at this time as well. I got my health back (simple matter of sleep apnea and the cure was to sleep on my stomach!) and have continued to live and create but, this fear lately has been gnawing at my neck the more I step up for this life.

  I can feel it when I talk about what my vision is, goals are and steps I'm taking to actualize that vision. It's a physical feeling. This horrible dullness. It feels evil. Satan is a boring chap, hopelessly boring. Dull as dishwater. We all

have a little bit of the devil inside of us and he always whispers in our ear: "conformity is the way, be respectable."

  Man what are you talking about? Isn't it the devil that tells us to be all crazy?

  What is crazy? Partying too much? Writing generic misogynistic  hip hop music with lots of swear words? It's all adhering to a pattern is it not? Buying a house you can't afford? Joining a church and being told how to live? Loving thy neighbor yet killing him slowly with jealousy while messing up ones own groove by out buying him with that new car? Why do these things? Cause someone you deem more successful than you has done them? I don't know. All of the above is pretty dead and boring to me. The devil bores me, always did, always will.

  Fear dulls my days. Mediocrity and fear are worth a lot of money to those who thrive on a low vibration. I don't fight it, I am powerless over it. I just do my best to not participate. It's so slick. The fear creeps in slowly through all those advertisements I see on the G train and all the language of people I interact with. Powerless. On my good days I can just observe and be aware, then proceed to the best of my ability....and don't watch the news.

  So how did I get here in this moment where I am happier but not satisfied with my little life? I wasn't raised religious myself but had plenty of exposure to the concept of heaven. "Oh this life can suck cause it's all about the afterlife, yeah, the afterlife will do." Will it? Can one prove to me that there is an afterlife? That I will come back as a president or a rock star next time?

  Hmm. I think we found a root of this colossal laziness, maybe the root. At least for me it's possibly the root. It's information handed to us from thousands of years ago written down by people high on wine and eating moldy bread causing hallucinations. Dude, when a guy tripping on acid tries to tell me how to live I tell him to shut up.

  What if this is all the time I do have? Then what?

  If that is my mind set I'm more apt to live better. Oddly enough I've lived in this silly idea that if I live a proper life (which I've thank God, FAILED at so completely!!!) I will be rewarded in heaven, if not I burn in hell. Maybe it's just what we make of life. Hell exist on Earth just as Heaven does. It's really about owning my mistakes for me. If I avoid them, I create my own hell, my own miserable, craptastic hopelessly boring mediocre hell. What is heaven for me? It's owning my stuff, taking responsibility and stepping up making the best music I can make, the best treatment of others I can give, being of the best service I can be. It's taking the best care of myself and others as I am capable of.

  What's been given to me as the language of marriage, success, it's rooted in the hell concept (settling DOWN, selling OUT, DOWN & OUT!). It's no wonder I haven't given these things my all. And to now make waves and be respectable is to get to heaven. Oof.

  So for now it's stepping UP and looking IN. I like this vibe much better. Perhaps I'll build me some heaven this way, or perhaps not. Whatever the results, it's new to me and I am an explorer.

J