Hi out there. Had a great discussion about the importance of celebrating tonight. It occured to me that I ran a business for 5 years, not so much financially successful but definitely successful in every other way. Opening day was easy as pie. Not much planning had to go into the business, I had been fixing amps for 15 years at that point, so all I had to do was set up the room and get to work. My first customer was a fellow named Scott who had been using my services for years at that point. It was allways an honor to work with him and everyone else who entered my little shop. When the day was over a neighbor came by to check out what was going on in the mystery building on Mississippi Avenue in Portland. I wasn't particularly nice to him, in fact, I was pretty cold. Nothing personal, he just perhaps represented to me what I didn't dig in the neightborhood, which was progress and economic growth, something that I was, uh, yeah, a part of. When you see your neighborhood get gentrified, it's easy to idealize the old days and hard to let them go. When you are allergic to money making, it's really easy to judge those who seem to make money or some other form of success and smile about it. I don't know what my trip was, but whatever. I decided to be friendly with that dude later on. Change, gentrification, these are emotionally sticky issues. Truth is I was sad to see so much go but taking it out on my neighbor, and taking it out on myself wasn't helpful in any way!
In the weeks before I opened my shop I got tagged by the local anarchist. There was a hilarious poster wheat pasted to my windows stating "Don't you feel sad that no people of colour or no poor white people are being represented by the new businesses on Mississippi avenue?" First thought that went through my head was "I wonder which 'punk' had their amp fixed by me and didn't know this was my shop!" I laughed pretty hard. The last thought that went through my mind was "I wonder how they'l feel when they realize I'm, well, mixed. Some folks know right away, some don't, too many see what they want to see. But truthfully, I was perhaps just as afraid of what change I brought to that neighborhood (i was a 10 year resident at that point) as they were. I was just as afraid of becoming successful as they perhaps were. It's easy to judge and tear others down when you are afraid of your own potential, at least it was for me and I don't think I'm unique in that respect. That message screamed "stay small!" I complied.
So on opening day what did I not do? I didn't bother to celebrate. I didn't do this on closing day either. 200+ customers a year, a roof over my head, overcoming my own fears on a daily basis, weathering the economic crash of 2008, building 30 amps for amazing clients, having a business that employed the coolest person I could have hired and contradicting the uber-male world of tube amplifier repair, listening to clients with an open heart day in and day out (I should have charged to be a shrink to some of my clients, and they loved being there for my listening skill!), tackling some impossible projects and most times prevailing, putting the right instrument or amps into alot of the right players hands. All these things feel great but for some reason, I never celebrated. I tend to get fixated on the negatives and let those lil' critters far outweigh the many more positives. Stay small! Somewhere in my life I got the belief that either I'm not worth a damn or equally bullshitty, I have to remain this ideal version of modest and suffer. Suffering is not modest! Suffering is just suffering. That's all. Nothing more and nothing less. We'll all suffer someday, terribly suffer. So why create it? Why wallow in it especially when you're still healthy enough to run a business? I carried the message that to celebrate is to brag and be egomaniacal. That's a real healthy way to stay small. I could have lit a candle and stuck it in a twinkie! That would have been enough! But my mind would say that's even too much of a pain in the ass. I'd have to get a twinkie! AND A CANDLE! AND TWINKIES ARE REALLY BAD FOR YOU!!!!!
When I closed my customers were pretty bummed. I don't believe in competition myself (comparison is of the devil, qualities divine!), people use my services because they like my style of kung fu. If they don't like my style, that's perfectly allright as they may like another shops style better. So my customers tended to bond with my shop pretty well and I enjoyed every moment with them. I didn't even notice that I had just closed my shop and not had a going away party. When I did realize that I wondered that if I could have one, would it be for me, or for my customers? Funny thing is, what difference does it make? I helped a lot of folks create success, and they helped me create success, so why not celebrate together? I look back on the whole experience with a great feeling now, and tonight I was asked what can I do to celebrate that time? Once again, I siezed up mentally. Uh, I dunno. But I do know that celebrating even the smallest success is critical to having a happy life and fullfilling your dream. It's difficult to build momentum without it. So I think tomorrow I'll get a candle and a good macaroon and find a friend to do some high fives with. I'll just try that on and see how it feels. It's like learning an instrument. Just takes practice. And for me learning is remembering. I just forgot how to celebrate along this journey!
xojb
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