The Art of Complaining

The art of complaining is to not complain. Ever! It's a difficult one to master but easy should one commit to it. Actually, any pattern is easily dissolved if one chooses to notice the pattern. We all get hurt, that's a fact of life. Tell the story once, it's venting. Go for it! Twice, it's complaining, notice it. Three times, if you're not telling your counselor, you will tell it a fourth time, fifth time and 20 years later you may be still telling that tired old story. If you're not in the solution by the third time you're abusing the people around you. How do I know this? Well, an expert is writing this right now. I struggle with letting things go myself. So let me share a bit of my experience and I'll tie it to music and business.

I first became aware of my complainy tendencies when I opened my own business in the spring of 2005. Oh, people had been telling me for years but there was no way I would listen, it was much safer to be right than to just be kind. Prior to opening my shop, I worked retail in a guitar store in downtown Portland (ore.) for 9 years. That was a great adventure. A shop that was in the toilet and through teamwork I got to help turn it around into a profitable business that thrives in todays world. Now, I know there are plenty of readers who felt slighted or disrespected by smug guitar or record store personell, I was on both sides of that fence. I could have a nasty attitude at my old job and sometimes it seemed justified (I threw out an average of 3 people a week, drunks, jerks, people higher than a Kentucky pine etc.) and defenses were high all the time. Once I opened my shop I had a steady stream of folks who were former customers I didn't even recognize who said "you're a lot nicer than I thought you were" or, "I used to think you were just plain crabby (I am a cancer!) and I'm glad to see you're not!" Those comments meant alot to me. In 5 years of running my lil' shop, I had perhaps 2 interactions with customers that didn't go well and that I'm not too proud of. Both involved moments where there was fear, and I took jobs only cause I needed the money and business was down rather than have faith in better jobs coming next week. What made the difference?

At my old job if I was in a horrible mood the fastest way to turn that around was to be as kind as possible. One customer, a rather irritating fellow, once told me he had just gotten out of jail, came to our shop, and I greeted him with a simple "hello, how are you?". He told me later how moved he was by that. I was the first person to treat him with kindness and respect in years. (I'm tearing up just wrting this!). I didn't know I was capable. On the cash register side of the counter it's safe and easy to be smug and superior, especially with folks you'd never choose to hang out with. Once I opened my own shop, well, it's like having a baby. You have to take care of it. Your vulnerability is allways high and your defenses better be down. I truly enjoyed every customer I had on some capacity, even those I didn't like. Once you choose to create something, you don't have time to complain. At that point I made it policy to remove myself as fast as possible from complainers, and the occasions where I had customers complaining about some past transaction (this is common!), I'd calmly say to them "I just want you to notice that that was 23 years ago and that has nothing to do with this moment right now. I'm sorry that happened but a lot of great things have happend since then!". Not once did I get punched in the lip for expressing that, infact, you could see a cloud starting to part, every time!

The same thing is true in my musical journey. I'm the first to admit, there isn't much music being made today that I understand or like. "Freak Folk" and "smooth Jazz" were the 2 genres that really got my goat. I let their existence bum me out until my energy was drained, which means I can't create. Complaining is addictive! Again, if I have a need to be right about how much Smooth Jazz sucks, and focus on how it's killing our kids, it just grows bigger cause my attention (yours too!) is like the sun, and whatever you shine it on will grow! I had many discussions with folks about how much I hated this or that until.....I started putting out my own records. When I hear the complaints I say to my dear friends "have you made a record yet?" or the truth which often is "you're jealous, they have a hustle and you don't!" Make something, get it out there and sell it ( I still have 300 of my first LP! Wanna buy one, email me!!!) and keep your attention on WHAT YOU WANT TO DO! And ask youself, how can I help humanity with the creation I'm allowing to pass through me. My mother once stopped my mid "freak folk" rant and reminded me that music is like the Quaker church. You sit in silence for an hour on sunday and once in a while someone gets up to speak. You may be the only person to dig that message while the rest of the room is thinking "ugh! Will this guy just shut up?!" Next speaker you may be the only one who wants to throw a tomato at, and the rest may be digging it! A week later I was ranting with a friend about some freak folk artist and I stopped myself and announced "this is the last time I talk about this!" Majic! Just announcing that intention has freed up tons of energy to prctice more, write more and listen deeper!

Now, I'm not saying I'm there yet. I lost my business, bad economy and a lack of experience with finances did it in, plus, I lost the passion and that's 90% of why. And since then I've had to work for other people. It's a real challenge not cause of the task involved, but being in the office where people complain from the top down (this rock star pissed me off 12 years ago waah waah waah!), I have to summon extra strength to not partake. Sometimes it gets the best of me still and I fall off the wagon. I left my last job largely cause I felt my old ugly ways were starting to infect the infected, a mutual downward spiral! But to see it as an opportunity it looks like this: "what do I want my life to be and how am I going to allow that to happen?????" I'm doing my best to serve and doing my best to create that life. I'll let you know how it's going! For now, pray for each other that we may find the strength to stay in the solution and keep bringing in the light!

Blessings, JB