In September 1986 my father dropped me off in the strange and rather cold seeming city of Boston where I was to spend the next 2 years of my life studying music. It was my first attempt at big city life and gotta say, while I was excited I didn't find life all that exciting. This was the Reagan 80's and my hippie ass was in a city full of students with the focus on make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. I wanted my parents college: protest, love, end a war, gain civil rights, think, use your head, have fun, sexual revolution, psychedelic music, flower power, all of which had been abolished by the current regime in a silent but deadly way.
My roommate and I decided to take a stroll to Cambridge together, the weather was sweet and we wanted to explore. Boston in the fall is absolutely gorgeous after all and for two 18 year olds from Maryland, there were things we needed to see. Our walk was intercepted by an attractive young kinda hippie girl with dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin aka, my dream girl at the time....
"Do you want to take a personality test? It will only take 15 minutes!" she asked. I knew this was a lie. Anyone with a personality would take at least 1/2 an hour to get through a test so I figure 45 minutes for me. On the way there I felt this desperation coming from her. I learned she was Pakistani and had dropped out of MIT to join this church. This reeked of the "cult" phenomenon of my 80's heavy metal youth. All I could think about was how sad her family must have been to have their daughter drop out of a prestigious school and renounce Islam for whatever she was trying to sign us up for. (This was in the days where I lived for everyone else but me. I was going to college to appease my family too and I had no tools to accept someone else's choices let alone mine!)
We arrived at this absolutely beautiful old building and she dropped her prey off and went back to the streets. A nice forty something woman spoke to us, pleasantly creepy. I knew this would make a good story and would be hilarious. She pulled out these forms and gave them to us. Took about 20 minutes to fill them out then she directed us to a room where we were to watch a film (another 20 minutes, now we are up to 40!). The film was of course, awful. Bad acting, bad sets, imtentionally over dramatic "life sucks for you" religion bullshit. I was laughing all the way through it. It basically explored human failure in all ways, I remember Napoleon on fire or something hilarious like that. I thought "what is it about religious people that feel they have to depress or scare and victimize those who may choose to join?" If I'm going to join anything it's not cause I'm scared of failure and misery but because the vibe is actually really good.
So after our film we are led back to this huge office looking place, again, quite lovely. I sit at a large desk with the 40 something lady who to her right has a mountain of Dianetics books. Quite literally, a mountain of books with an picture of a exploding mountain on them!
"So here are the results of your personality test" she says as she shows me this up and down and up again chart. "You have some strong points, and you have some weak points!" She spoke like a 2nd grade art teacher. Again, cool if you are 7, creepy and funny if you are 18. "You are basically an un-stable person". "Um, can you elaborate?" I asked. She then took out a fine silver pen (I have a pen fetish) and lay it on the desk. "See this pen? This is stable". She then gently rocked the pen back and forth with her finger: "and this, is unstable! Do you use any drugs?" "No." "Cocaine?" "No." "Hashish? LSD? Marijuannnnha?" "No maam, do you?" I asked trying not to laugh.
Her face changed to a dead serious look and she grabbed one of those ugly volcano books and put it in front of me. "BUY THE BOOK!" "No." READ THE BOOK!" "No, look lady I gotta go, I was told 15 minutes and now it's over an hour and the sun is going down and we aren't even close to Cambridge, GOOD BYE!" And I left. Ah the sun. Who wants a dumb old cult when there is the sun to worship?
About 6 months later I was catching the green line T. "Excuse me sir do you want to take a personality test?" It was the Pakistani girl. She looked worn, tired, wild eyed, dirty and crazy. Where was she? She looked alive the last time. I felt sad so I discharged it by being a jackass. "Maam, I ain't got no personality!" I exclaimed and she grabbed my wrist and started to pull me to the exit "Come with me now!!!!" I pulled away and said "lady, please take your hands off of me". My dream girl was now a zombie. There was nothing I could do. Heck, there was nothing to do.
I never saw her again but I wonder what happened to her every now and then. Did she make it to the level where you get to realize a bad science fiction writer who won a bet with a good science fiction writer is actually God? Or did she snap and throw herself into a river? Did she go back to school? Is she okay, that's the only actual question that is worth pondering.
And me? I am un-stable. The forty something quacky lady was absolutely right. That test nailed it! It's taken me 28 years to accept that finding. My unstableness is my greatest liability. It's hindered my career, wrecked relationships. And that un-stableness is my greatest asset at the same time. It's a part of who I am, the un-predicatble in any band I care to be in. It sets music aflame. It binds the right relationships and wrecks the wrong ones. All I needed to do is tell my own truth in life and accept who I am. I don't need a cult to save me, I just needed to understand that....truth has no path. It's alive. It's always growing and always changing. It's impossible to follow anyone else's version so just follow your own bliss. That will never steer you wrong.
JB
My roommate and I decided to take a stroll to Cambridge together, the weather was sweet and we wanted to explore. Boston in the fall is absolutely gorgeous after all and for two 18 year olds from Maryland, there were things we needed to see. Our walk was intercepted by an attractive young kinda hippie girl with dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin aka, my dream girl at the time....
"Do you want to take a personality test? It will only take 15 minutes!" she asked. I knew this was a lie. Anyone with a personality would take at least 1/2 an hour to get through a test so I figure 45 minutes for me. On the way there I felt this desperation coming from her. I learned she was Pakistani and had dropped out of MIT to join this church. This reeked of the "cult" phenomenon of my 80's heavy metal youth. All I could think about was how sad her family must have been to have their daughter drop out of a prestigious school and renounce Islam for whatever she was trying to sign us up for. (This was in the days where I lived for everyone else but me. I was going to college to appease my family too and I had no tools to accept someone else's choices let alone mine!)
We arrived at this absolutely beautiful old building and she dropped her prey off and went back to the streets. A nice forty something woman spoke to us, pleasantly creepy. I knew this would make a good story and would be hilarious. She pulled out these forms and gave them to us. Took about 20 minutes to fill them out then she directed us to a room where we were to watch a film (another 20 minutes, now we are up to 40!). The film was of course, awful. Bad acting, bad sets, imtentionally over dramatic "life sucks for you" religion bullshit. I was laughing all the way through it. It basically explored human failure in all ways, I remember Napoleon on fire or something hilarious like that. I thought "what is it about religious people that feel they have to depress or scare and victimize those who may choose to join?" If I'm going to join anything it's not cause I'm scared of failure and misery but because the vibe is actually really good.
So after our film we are led back to this huge office looking place, again, quite lovely. I sit at a large desk with the 40 something lady who to her right has a mountain of Dianetics books. Quite literally, a mountain of books with an picture of a exploding mountain on them!
"So here are the results of your personality test" she says as she shows me this up and down and up again chart. "You have some strong points, and you have some weak points!" She spoke like a 2nd grade art teacher. Again, cool if you are 7, creepy and funny if you are 18. "You are basically an un-stable person". "Um, can you elaborate?" I asked. She then took out a fine silver pen (I have a pen fetish) and lay it on the desk. "See this pen? This is stable". She then gently rocked the pen back and forth with her finger: "and this, is unstable! Do you use any drugs?" "No." "Cocaine?" "No." "Hashish? LSD? Marijuannnnha?" "No maam, do you?" I asked trying not to laugh.
Her face changed to a dead serious look and she grabbed one of those ugly volcano books and put it in front of me. "BUY THE BOOK!" "No." READ THE BOOK!" "No, look lady I gotta go, I was told 15 minutes and now it's over an hour and the sun is going down and we aren't even close to Cambridge, GOOD BYE!" And I left. Ah the sun. Who wants a dumb old cult when there is the sun to worship?
About 6 months later I was catching the green line T. "Excuse me sir do you want to take a personality test?" It was the Pakistani girl. She looked worn, tired, wild eyed, dirty and crazy. Where was she? She looked alive the last time. I felt sad so I discharged it by being a jackass. "Maam, I ain't got no personality!" I exclaimed and she grabbed my wrist and started to pull me to the exit "Come with me now!!!!" I pulled away and said "lady, please take your hands off of me". My dream girl was now a zombie. There was nothing I could do. Heck, there was nothing to do.
I never saw her again but I wonder what happened to her every now and then. Did she make it to the level where you get to realize a bad science fiction writer who won a bet with a good science fiction writer is actually God? Or did she snap and throw herself into a river? Did she go back to school? Is she okay, that's the only actual question that is worth pondering.
And me? I am un-stable. The forty something quacky lady was absolutely right. That test nailed it! It's taken me 28 years to accept that finding. My unstableness is my greatest liability. It's hindered my career, wrecked relationships. And that un-stableness is my greatest asset at the same time. It's a part of who I am, the un-predicatble in any band I care to be in. It sets music aflame. It binds the right relationships and wrecks the wrong ones. All I needed to do is tell my own truth in life and accept who I am. I don't need a cult to save me, I just needed to understand that....truth has no path. It's alive. It's always growing and always changing. It's impossible to follow anyone else's version so just follow your own bliss. That will never steer you wrong.
JB
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