And....Non Violence

  I found a book written by a Buddhist in my hallway. There are no accidents, it's all about being in the now. I struggled with the 2nd page however when the writer says something about Buddhist practice is based on non violence and non dualism. I dig the non dualism part, everything is of the same energy. A flower blooms, gives oxygen, beauty, the bees dig it, people dig it, it dies and becomes compost to fertilize more flowers. But the phrase non violence bothers me a bit.....

  I need something else see, cause the word violence is still in the phrase. Maybe "based on peace", I can dig that. Mother Theresa once said she would never attend an anti war rally but she would a pro-peace rally. I like this. I feel the same way. I never liked protest. Resentment fest are not for me which is what it feels like. And I wonder if that actually brings more violence into the world, the idea of non violence or anti violence. I want every day to be a pro peace rally which in any ones actual heart of hearts is the truth. Fight? Shout? Or relax with those you love? Given an individual choice with no strings attached.....

  As I tried to read the book further I realized I was shutting down though. There were some passages I found to be beautiful but when someone else is dictating how to meditate, I just don't know. Feels somehow oddly domineering to me. Religious. Excluding and concentrating. That doesn't work so well for me. If it works for someone else, that's great. I'd love to hear about it. I'm curious....

Violence

  Recently I made a complaint to my friend K about the current crazy person in my life. See, there are a few but I tend to fixate on one at a time so I can cast my shadow onto that unfortunate soul and obsess over all the things I don't like about myself while projecting those things onto them. It doesn't feel good, and really, patterns don't feel good once you notice they exist.

  My friend simply asked me "Jef, you need to ask yourself why you like being around crazy people?" I'll start right now by saying I am uber grateful for having friends that don't pull any punches with me. This may be the best question I've been asked in a long time. So I've been examining this, talking to people about it, bringing the grief underneath to the surface where it can heal. One of my friends said something about that we create a need for drama and excitement to take the focus off our own work. I can get with that, sorta....

  While digging up and writing about this the other morning I wept hard for a while. I dug into my perceptions of the world, this dream I'm having and looked at the pattern of seeing red flags at a new job, new relationship, new living situation, then proceeding anyway ignoring my gut which is screaming "this is un-healthy for you! You know it!" And the pattern repeats. I surround myself with folks I don't need to be around. Perhaps it's my own insanity that attracts insanity. Insanity meaning doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

  So at the root of this is this violence I have. It's in there and there is no need to lie about it. I have violence just like anyone else does. Nothing to be afraid of especially if one wants to really make a positive change in the world. Don't supress it or try to hide it or it may become worse. Be honest about it. I know I'm part animal with the territorial violence then there is the human conditioning that teaches us to separate and categorize and conform which inevitably breeds violence. I accept that.

  There is nothing actually dramatic or exciting or unpredictable about being engaged with someones violence, it's actually quite dull. So for me to fixate on another persons issues is a great drug. It dulls my brilliance. And so much of my childhood, just being the kid who didn't fit in, the urge to fit in and conform to what is around, the urge to join the community is so great I was willing to conform. The second I decided under that fear to conform is the second I started to destroy myself to be second hand, to join the several millenia of horrible patterns inflicted by 'great' men centuries ago still being enforced today no matter what society you are from, race, nationality, gender.

  Trouble is, what was available to fit into was violent. Oh, not dumb gun murder gang violent, but passive aggressive violent, religion violent, race violent, class violent, thought violent. It wasn't a peaceful vibe. I don't know how much of that is readily available in daily life if one is asleep in daily life. I think maybe one needs to say "enough!" awaken and create that peace for themselves. There is no escape but there is peace available every minute.

  So back to the dullness. Violence is boring. Boring is perhaps the most violent there is. I know that as humans we are all born of the same potential for love and hate, growth and stagnation, prosperity and poverty, and we are all capable of making the choice to move into and be love, growth, prosperity, it's unlimited. I find that growth doesn't involve a set path, it involves child like exploration and mystery. To conform to a man made pattern, "this is how it's supposed to go" and the inevitable creation of walls that result from thousands of years of propaganda, is a path to dullness and violence especially if it's sold as a path to 'truth'. Truth has no path. It isn't found like an dead artifact buried in a tomb, it's alive and always moving. It's all around us if we accept it, always.

  One evening I went to an anarchist coffee shop in Portland to see a friend play some music. This gentleman sat down with me who I had met at a party and started talking to me. He was a young 'revolutionary' type. I saw him as a jiveass. Real Negative Ned. Whatever I said like "summer is here soon, I can't wait to ride my bike" (my attempt at controlling the conversation!) he would reply with "oh but the fucking cars and pollution and global warming!" So he starts talking to me about this cat from an African country that he's showing around Portland and showing him the types of activist work he's doing and the injustice in Portland yadda yadda. I don't remember what I said but I remember saying 'enough' when this unsolicited conversation went to "you know, most of the violence in Africa is U.S. instigated.....

  I said to him "you know that may be true but why don't we look at the bigger picture of violence". I told him a story that my dear friend Chad shared with me about his visit to Mali where his sister was living. They wanted a ride across this lake and needed a boat captain to do so. All of the captains hung out in this bar together so they went to hire someone. When they found someone they liked and got a price they asked about the car: "is it safe to leave it here for a day?" "Yes, no one in this town will steal it!" "How do you know?" At this point a crowd of drunk captains formed and they started telling a story of an unfortunate man who stole from the market and how they chased him down, beat him to death, put him in tires soaked with gasoline and set his body aflame. A few of the captains started yelling "I dealt the deathblow! No I did!!!!"

  Horrible story. I said to my new revolutionary friend "there was no US instigated violence here, these were....citizens, not soldiers, operatives, insurgents." "Well the guy stole something!" Exclaimed the revolutionary. "Maybe he stole, maybe he didn't. There was no trial, no due process, maybe he just wasn't liked by the wrong guy. And remember how many folks were lynched here for 'maybe' committing a 'crime' Mr Social Justice dude...."

  "Well the revolution is coming!" he snarled like a dog backed into a corner. "Oh please. The only thing a revolution does is set a new normal that sets a new dullness, violence setting up a new pattern of violence that terrorizes those who don't agree with it into submission or the hiding." "Oh yeah? Name one that did that?" "Okay, let's start with the French reign o' terror... how about Cuba where they throw gay people into jail? How about Vietnam where a French reporter spoke gleefully about the youthful north and the absence of old people? How about Cambodia? How about the US? How about punk rock? Violent revolution doesn't seem to change the way we think."

  "Well the revolution is coming so stay tuned!!!" He snapped. "I'm doing my best to get tuned, may do you well to try and do the same." End of conversation....

  Writing about this I can see how I engaged in the crazy. After all I let this man intrude on what was otherwise a nice evening of music. My choice could have been to say "hey dude, I need you to take your revolution to another table so I can watch my friend." That's the choice I would make now, I didn't have such good boundaries then.

  So how do I know when I'm engaged in violence? It's that intense feeling. It doesn't feel good. It's a compulsive feeling. If I check in with that feeling I can step back and say "oh Jef, you're taking yourself far too seriosuly right now!" Then I can chill out and have a laugh about it.

  So back to the question my friend K posed, why do I like to be around the crazies? Well, it's a process, but I think maybe it's my expression of violence. That old pattern of thinking I can control someone else's behavior by hiding out being quiet. It's my passive aggressive streak I suppose, which is still, violence. Do I like it? No. Am I addicted to it? Perhaps. Can I change it now that I'm aware of it? Yes I can. Will I fall into a new pattern? Maybe. Is it worth it to change? Um, without a doubt. I will always choose love when I'm awake cause, it feels good.

jb

My Dinner with Scientology

  In September 1986 my father dropped me off in the strange and rather cold seeming city of Boston where I was to spend the next 2 years of my life studying music. It was my first attempt at big city life and gotta say, while I was excited I didn't find life all that exciting. This was the Reagan 80's and my hippie ass was in a city full of students with the focus on make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. I wanted my parents college: protest, love, end a war, gain civil rights, think, use your head, have fun, sexual revolution, psychedelic music, flower power, all of which had been abolished by the current regime in a silent but deadly way.

  My roommate and I decided to take a stroll to Cambridge together, the weather was sweet and we wanted to explore. Boston in the fall is absolutely gorgeous after all and for two 18 year olds from Maryland, there were things we needed to see. Our walk was intercepted by an attractive young kinda hippie girl with dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin aka, my dream girl at the time....

  "Do you want to take a personality test? It will only take 15 minutes!" she asked. I knew this was a lie. Anyone with a personality would take at least 1/2 an hour to get through a test so I figure 45 minutes for me. On the way there I felt this desperation coming from her. I learned she was Pakistani and had dropped out of MIT to join this church. This reeked of the "cult" phenomenon of my 80's heavy metal youth. All I could think about was how sad her family must have been to have their daughter drop out of a prestigious school and renounce Islam for whatever she was trying to sign us up for. (This was in the days where I lived for everyone else but me. I was going to college to appease my family too and I had no tools to accept someone else's choices let alone mine!)

  We arrived at this absolutely beautiful old building and she dropped her prey off and went back to the streets. A nice forty something woman spoke to us, pleasantly creepy. I knew this would make a good story and would be hilarious. She pulled out these forms and gave them to us. Took about 20 minutes to fill them out then she directed us to a room where we were to watch a film (another 20 minutes, now we are up to 40!). The film was of course, awful. Bad acting, bad sets, imtentionally over dramatic "life sucks for you" religion bullshit. I was laughing all the way through it. It basically explored human failure in all ways, I remember Napoleon on fire or something hilarious like that. I thought "what is it about religious people that feel they have to depress or scare and victimize those who may choose to join?" If I'm going to join anything it's not cause I'm scared of failure and misery but because the vibe is actually really good.

  So after our film we are led back to this huge office looking place, again, quite lovely. I sit at a large desk with the 40 something lady who to her right has a mountain of Dianetics books. Quite literally, a mountain of books with an picture of a exploding mountain on them!

  "So here are the results of your personality test" she says as she shows me this up and down and up again chart. "You have some strong points, and you have some weak points!" She spoke like a 2nd grade art teacher. Again, cool if you are 7, creepy and funny if you are 18. "You are basically an un-stable person". "Um, can you elaborate?" I asked. She then took out a fine silver pen (I have a pen fetish) and lay it on the desk. "See this pen? This is stable". She then gently rocked the pen back and forth with her finger: "and this, is unstable! Do you use any drugs?" "No." "Cocaine?" "No." "Hashish? LSD? Marijuannnnha?" "No maam, do you?" I asked trying not to laugh.

  Her face changed to a dead serious look and she grabbed one of those ugly volcano books and put it in front of me. "BUY THE BOOK!" "No." READ THE BOOK!" "No, look lady I gotta go, I was told 15 minutes and now it's over an hour and the sun is going down and we aren't even close to Cambridge, GOOD BYE!" And I left. Ah the sun. Who wants a dumb old cult when there is the sun to worship?

  About 6 months later I was catching the green line T. "Excuse me sir do you want to take a personality test?" It was the Pakistani girl. She looked worn, tired, wild eyed, dirty and crazy. Where was she? She looked alive the last time. I felt sad so I discharged it by being a jackass. "Maam, I ain't got no personality!" I exclaimed and she grabbed my wrist and started to pull me to the exit "Come with me now!!!!" I pulled away and said "lady, please take your hands off of me". My dream girl was now a zombie. There was nothing I could do. Heck, there was nothing to do.

  I never saw her again but I wonder what happened to her every now and then. Did she make it to the level where you get to realize a bad science fiction writer who won a bet with a good science fiction writer is actually God? Or did she snap and throw herself into a river? Did she go back to school? Is she okay, that's the only actual question that is worth pondering.

  And me? I am un-stable. The forty something quacky lady was absolutely right. That test nailed it! It's taken me 28 years to accept that finding. My unstableness is my greatest liability. It's hindered my career, wrecked relationships. And that un-stableness is my greatest asset at the same time. It's a part of who I am, the un-predicatble in any band I care to be in. It sets music aflame. It binds the right relationships and wrecks the wrong ones. All I needed to do is tell my own truth in life and accept who I am. I don't need a cult to save me, I just needed to understand that....truth has no path. It's alive. It's always growing and always changing. It's impossible to follow anyone else's version so just follow your own bliss. That will never steer you wrong.

JB