I had a revelation the other day. I never really liked the term 'self sabotage'. It has too much 'self' in it. We are influenced by so much and when our behavior becomes compulsive it's perhaps our expression seeking too much approval from the outside. Ah, the respectability trap.....
I stopped wearing hoodies this year. I realized that some how I wore them to fit in with hardened souls. I like the comfort, wear them at home or when I go jogging, but they've fallen out of fashion for me when I'm out and about. I realized this year I had some life long compulsive need to look 'poor', a word I don't really like to use for anyone let alone me. I had this need to fit in so I didn't get beaten by the boys. Where did this attitude come from? From the time I was a child I actually enjoyed dressing up. I like ties, nice shoes, like my grandmother says, look good you feel good. I've started wearing ties at work. I no longer have the need to care what others think, wearing a tie is an expression of my creativity and self respect. When I feel good I do my job better. I smile more, and I'm no longer that kid that needs approval thank god. If I got a nasty remark that is not my problem.
When I was oh maybe 11 and growing out of one toy phase into another, I hadn't quite stopped drawing cartoons. By this point though I never finished them. I learned the word 'Fail' and thought it was much funnier to hang a sign that said "Failed" on my cartoons. By this point I was frustrated at my ability to draw and deep into 'compare and despair'. So rather than keep trying I just creatively destroyed my own work. I built a dinosaur skeleton out of modeling clay one day and really liked it. There was an older kid named Joey in my neighborhood. He was a 'bad' kid. People talked about him. Wore a leather jacket or a jean jacket and a hoodie, liked a heavy metal, did this stuff called 'drugs'. For some reason he was at my house one day. We often had wayward kids at my house, my mother would invite them in though this time it wasn't the case. I don't know why Joey was in our house. All I do remember him was picking up my little skeleton and crumbling it then laughing. You know, inside I wanted to kill him for that, but couldn't and the alternative was cry, but couldn't do that either cause that would be 'weakness' and I'd lose respect. So that energy got stuck. I sucked up those bad feelings and tried to look like a 'man'. That's what we do right? I smashed my own clay skeletons for the next 30 years before becoming aware of it. Smashing my spirit to look like Joey. Hard to believe I would ever do such a thing. Then again, it's hard to believe a bigger kid would ever do such a thing to a smaller one.
I don't really like talking about the past, I just thought I'd share this cause maybe it would be useful today. We live in a 'fit in' world. It can be cruel, shallow, petty and shoddy. To 'fit in' is ultimately a shoddy existence, second hand. To become 'respectable' is self destructive. When I'm around people that are complaining and miserable I don't smile, I either sink to that level of respectability or I do the smart thing and get away as quickly as possible. To do what feels good and own it is to be yourself, be 100% honest and release that old past. Joey may still walk the earth, he may have grown up and may be recovered, but for me he's dead like the past is. The past can't actually touch us, it's perhaps worthy of an autopsy but that's it. Find out what went wrong, grieve if necessary, get thatawareness and move on. Find yourself and be yourself for you are worthy of exploration!
Love, JB
I stopped wearing hoodies this year. I realized that some how I wore them to fit in with hardened souls. I like the comfort, wear them at home or when I go jogging, but they've fallen out of fashion for me when I'm out and about. I realized this year I had some life long compulsive need to look 'poor', a word I don't really like to use for anyone let alone me. I had this need to fit in so I didn't get beaten by the boys. Where did this attitude come from? From the time I was a child I actually enjoyed dressing up. I like ties, nice shoes, like my grandmother says, look good you feel good. I've started wearing ties at work. I no longer have the need to care what others think, wearing a tie is an expression of my creativity and self respect. When I feel good I do my job better. I smile more, and I'm no longer that kid that needs approval thank god. If I got a nasty remark that is not my problem.
When I was oh maybe 11 and growing out of one toy phase into another, I hadn't quite stopped drawing cartoons. By this point though I never finished them. I learned the word 'Fail' and thought it was much funnier to hang a sign that said "Failed" on my cartoons. By this point I was frustrated at my ability to draw and deep into 'compare and despair'. So rather than keep trying I just creatively destroyed my own work. I built a dinosaur skeleton out of modeling clay one day and really liked it. There was an older kid named Joey in my neighborhood. He was a 'bad' kid. People talked about him. Wore a leather jacket or a jean jacket and a hoodie, liked a heavy metal, did this stuff called 'drugs'. For some reason he was at my house one day. We often had wayward kids at my house, my mother would invite them in though this time it wasn't the case. I don't know why Joey was in our house. All I do remember him was picking up my little skeleton and crumbling it then laughing. You know, inside I wanted to kill him for that, but couldn't and the alternative was cry, but couldn't do that either cause that would be 'weakness' and I'd lose respect. So that energy got stuck. I sucked up those bad feelings and tried to look like a 'man'. That's what we do right? I smashed my own clay skeletons for the next 30 years before becoming aware of it. Smashing my spirit to look like Joey. Hard to believe I would ever do such a thing. Then again, it's hard to believe a bigger kid would ever do such a thing to a smaller one.
I don't really like talking about the past, I just thought I'd share this cause maybe it would be useful today. We live in a 'fit in' world. It can be cruel, shallow, petty and shoddy. To 'fit in' is ultimately a shoddy existence, second hand. To become 'respectable' is self destructive. When I'm around people that are complaining and miserable I don't smile, I either sink to that level of respectability or I do the smart thing and get away as quickly as possible. To do what feels good and own it is to be yourself, be 100% honest and release that old past. Joey may still walk the earth, he may have grown up and may be recovered, but for me he's dead like the past is. The past can't actually touch us, it's perhaps worthy of an autopsy but that's it. Find out what went wrong, grieve if necessary, get thatawareness and move on. Find yourself and be yourself for you are worthy of exploration!
Love, JB
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