A lifetime ago I had a terrific band in Baltimore called Q, we were kinda Baltimores supergroup. It formed around 1991 so I was 23 years old.
We formed out of at least 3 bands, Warren Boes (All mighty Senators, False Face Society), Landis McCord (All Mighty Senators), Jack Denning (Golden Sound Axis), Barry Hampton and myself (Funkyard). We got together one monday night in Sowebo and played the next night in front of 100 people on Halloween. Instant hit. For the next 3 years or so we pleased an awful lot of people.
I was young and full of myself, an ego disaster waiting to happen. I can't quite say why I did this but in those days it was normal for me to drink a bottle of red wine before I played. I wanted to be as drunk as I could possibly be, and I always had this awareness of how phony that was. I wished I could black out, I'd remember everything I did and I did some pretty stupid things.
I think maybe my drinking, and I'm not alcoholic, I can enjoy a drink every now and then, maybe it was like this. Some indigenous cultures have a ritual for young men that they may not come back from. We don't have that. Perhaps we need that. To be pushed to the brink of death. I don't get it. That age is such a macho time, proving your worth etc. We don't have a ritual welcoming us to 'manhood' so perhaps we invent one. For me it was drinking excessively.
I am blessed with a rather weak system. I can't take chemicals. After a couple of years of this my body was shutting down. Yes, partly because of the booze but also because I was being a MAN, which for some stupid reason means not showing emotion, I would stuff those tears down. I learned how to never grieve. It's a problem this stupid society creates. See for yourself, inward and external violence. It starts with the nasty question 'is it a boy or a girl?'
We showed up to our favorite spot in Nags Head North Carolina, the MexEcono. Great venue, good times. I went to their nasty rock n' roll bathroom and spat blood. I knew I was in poor shape. I don't remember if I drank that night. I do remember playing that gig, we did Hendrix' Manic Depression and I remember seeing a wall of grunge muscles, tattoos and long hair spinning around WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH. I wanted out. The music was so loud and I was in a lot of pain down to my spirit.
But, after the gig this woman approached me. She was everything I thought was beautiful at that time. Kinda dark, a little gypsy chic. She appeared out of nowhere it seemed. She said "Jef, can I speak to you outside?" I said "Yeah" then turned to my band and said to them "I'll see you guys tomorrow."
Now in those days I was a mess. A pretty lady would save my life and I could forget all my troubles for a bit. She saved my life for real, but not in any way I could have expected.
We stepped into a dark area in front of the club. I was ready for some action. She says to me "Jef, what the fuck are you doing?" I'm stunned, silent. "Um, huh?" "I asked what the fuck are you Doing?"
I had no answer. I couldn't figure out how she knew my name as we had never met before. Next thing she said blew my mind. "Look Jef, I've been watching you for a long time and you are killing yourself with this bullshit life you're leading. You aren't happy. You aren't happy with this band, your life, your music, your SELF soooo WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR JEF?"
I didn't feel threatened, insulted, violated, manipulated. I just felt relieved. I didn't say anything except "Thank You" at the end of what she said. Wierdest thing was she said she had been watching me for a long time. I would have noticed her, she was striking, gorgeous and dressed so odd for that scene.
I went back into the club and never saw her again. I do remember her name, Clair.
About 2 months later the band broke up while Island Records was trying to sign us. The breakup was heartbreaking but I never look upon it with regret. That time was exactly what it needed to be. And I was a scared kid who needed to hear the truth. And best thing is, I chose to live.
I also choose to think that she was my guardian angel. Maybe that's what happened. A messenger came to tell me what time it is.
Thank you Clair.
JB
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