Fear of visibility

  I just returned home from a walk in the cold. I'm becoming less of a fan of winter but I think if I walk more I can deal with it better. I need that exercise as today my anxiety, which has been historically low, has been on the high side of the meter.

  What is going on exactly? Well, it's the end of January and while I earned really well this fall, January was a bust. I needed to borrow from my savings I've worked hard for to make the rent. I don't like that. Part of it is I got used to earning a couple C-notes a day, that is my current standard, and this month I was ill for 10 days, my students were ill, a lot of things that are simply out of my control happened and I was too weak to do any real hustling. So today I actually felt that deep and horrible sense of shame around not being able to take someone out on a date cause I have little funds.

  Part of it of course is a result of choice. I gladly spent a lot on presents for the holidays, and I did so without any credit cards. I'm grateful that I have savings to draw from and I'm grateful I was able to buy gifts. Giving feels good. Being broke however, doesn't.

  But that's not it really. I've been worse before. Intellectually I know things will pick up again, in fact they already have. The faucet o' funds has gone from a slow drip to a trickle. I just need to make more calls and get out of my own way and I'll be on my way. So no, it's not about the broke. It's more about this: Today I decided I will never let myself get this low again. Ever. It's not acceptable. And that is coupled with a big picture item: I asked for success this year in my projects. I put a number to it as well. And....I can see it as a possibility. The lack of work and weakness this January has given me the time to create. Some of the stuff coming out is good, really good. Scary good. It may change my life. That bit about asking and the universe creating space, it's true. This isn't the first time, it's just the first time I've asked around the subject of music.

  I'm not scared. My patterns are terrified. They don't like this. They would rather see me dead. They are lying to me and today they are screaming at me. I feel them in my heart area. They want to take control so when I am more visible, they can show the world what a douche I really am so I will run back to their corner and hide. Hey, at the beginning of this blog I said I write here to practice being visible. I fear criticism, but now I'm less afraid of it, in fact, it doesn't bug me most days. My patterns hate that. They love to lead me to believe I'm right all the time rather than I'm human and right or wrong is really subjective in most cases.

  It could very well be that this slow month has just been exactly what I've asked for in motion. I really only have one skill that has the potential to earn me what I really want and that is music. It's the one thing the most time into.

  I asked God, Allah, Infinite Intelligence or whatever what I need to put down to move up. My computer died for a few days. I'm off my Netflix habit. Next answer is far deeper to solve:
I had a dream the other morning, a lucid dream. I was lying in my bed on my stomach and a woman was lying on my back. I could feel her weight. She was whispering to a man who was standing next to my bed: "don't wake him up" she whispered. I forced myself awake to get them out of my room and of course, there was no one there.

  What did it say to me? Stop carrying around other peoples business. Leave them alone. Be true to myself. That was the pattern: "don't wake him up". Don't say yes to other peoples projects or "love" just cause I feel I 'have to' or 'should' say yes. I have enough work to do. Another ones agenda is a huge distraction. It's one of the many ways to keep this life small and safe. It's weight and I don't need it. It's easy to hide out in a band or a job where someone else is running the show. No, I don't need to do that any longer. I need to expose myself and risk being called a 'sellout' or a fake or whatever unkind nonsense the jealous can come up with. Good god, who cares? What else is there to do in ones life but do ones best and put it out there?

  So today, this is what I'm feeling. I am getting exactly what I asked for and I'm in a state of resistance to that. When I feel anxiety I'm fighting the truth. I'm fighting love. I'm arguing with nature. It's futile. A waste of energy. A tree never fights the sun and never complains about the rain. It just sits there and provides shelter, beauty, oxygen, food, shade, it just gives service. So why would I complicate a relationship with nature?

  Ok, I feel better now. I hope the reader gains something from this post. Peace......

J

The rents are skyrocketing! Oh no....

  Every now and then I look at the ol' Facebook and see a post from one of my fellows in Portland where it seems the rents are just going bananas. "You can't find a 3 bedroom house for less that $1500 now, IT'S TERRIBLE! And the houses aren't even that good!!!!"

  Oh my. I don't even have words for how much I chuckle at this. I do empathize with the out of my control feeling of increasing rents. When I lived at 3614 North Michigan when my rent went from $200-$250 I was angry. I resented my slumlord, and yes, he was a true slumlord, for daring to ask more for his house he bought for $18k back in the 80's and did nothing to keep it up. It was indeed falling down.

  And yes, my rent was less than $300. When I had my storefront on Mississippi Avenue, the rent there was 'friend rate', $300. Prospective shop owners would ask me this every week and I would tell them and watch them turn beet red with frustration. I gloated, a little "eff you" to the new yuppie invaders.

  Wow, those last 3 paragraphs sucked.

  My last year in Portland I moved to 1818 SE Clinton. Had a 900 square foot one bedroom beautiful apartment for $875. It was the first attempt I made at living like a grownup. It felt really good. The management company kept the place up and were kind and mature. I realized with my cheap flophouse style of living I simply was no longer happy. I had fallen into the trap of looking for cheap rent and that being the priority. I always had weird and rather abusive dynamics with my landlords and I was always stressed out and resented paying the rent and oddly enough I was always......broke. Yes, even with my $250 room on Michigan Avenue I was broke. I had no savings. I worked 4 to 5 days a week. I wasn't happy. That's indicated by my sense of superiority towards my new neighbors. "See! I'm cool! I pay less than you ever will! I'm an artist!" Oy, that's gross.

  Today where I am writing this blog from I pay $925 for my bright little room in Brooklyn. That is cheap for my neighborhood. I looked on the Portland Craigslist and within 5 minutes found a studio apartment near my much missed Mississippi neighborhood for less than my room here. Oh I wish. It is a goal to live alone, live better, and I'm walking towards that goal every day. And besides, I need to be in NY, I love my life here so it's worth it to me.

  But what is so new to me is this: When I was hooked on cheap rent I was always stressed out. Stressed out in one of the mellowest cities in the USA and scraping together that little $250 rent and watching my checking account hover above zero the first of the month. Now I'm paying 4x that (I have a shared rehearsal space that cost another C-note) and I live in a city that is notoriously stressful, rude, nasty, and yet I feel calm most times. I make my rent with ease and have some money building up in the bank. And here's the thing: people have this illusion that you earn more money in NYC relative to other cities. No, I'm still earning roughly the same amount. It's eeking up as I focus on earning better but really, my taxes say it loud and clear: I'm on the cusp of poverty level when you look at the numbers.

  So what has changed?

  My habits first of all. I worked hard to give up all that resentment of people with money. I was $28k in debt when I left Portland. No, I can't blame Visa or the 1% people on that. I did that. I learned to pay attention to what I do bring in and how I spend.

  When I lived in Portland one day it dawned on me I was giving the Fresh Pot on Mississippi Avenue $300 a month. Yes, $3600 a year. Coffee and croissant plus tip 2x a day=$10 X 30 days. Hollow calories and yes, I was getting fat. I make my coffee at home now and it's better than any coffee shop. I reserve the coffee shop for meeting friends in and hanging out now. It's a treat, not a habit. And trust me, it was a tough habit to break.

  I also ate out an average of....3 meals a day. Again, great way to stay fat and broke. A great way to never value oneself. Making food can be a spiritual experience the same way making music, love, starting a business can be. If I'm not cooking daily, I'm missing out on time being alone or with a loved one. I'm probably rushing about not smelling the roses. I was always in a hurry in those lazy days, I like being busy but I identify it as this: I liked to look busy. I liked to think I was busy. It seemed like I was getting things done yet, I never completed 1/3 of my projects. The sense of urgency is really not necessary and will never get me anywhere.

  And that was just it. Coffee and bread 2x a day with no nutrients, no spending plan and no clear goals equals vagueness. I got high on "vagueing out". I could sit in my cold, dirty Michigan Avenue house and "be right" about my yuppie scum neighbors. I could hang out and complain about the world, a world I had no part in changing. Depression is the drug and I was hooked. Thing is, I don't thin anyone really likes being hooked. I didn't, that's why I was depressed. So I'm grateful to the folks around me at the time who were honest with me and led me to believe I could do better. Those who said "you know, you complain a lot, and you get sick a lot!"

  Really it came down to not having a spending plan. Taking the attitude of "how do I control my money and not be controlled by money?" Like a friend said when I was at my financial bottom: "If you can't manage thirty bucks right now then you can forget about managing $30,000 let alone a million. You will be broke in no time."

  I was a part of this soul band with some young folks when I lived there. They asked me about the rent and I told them. Their eyes lit up. "Cool!!!!" I said: "young men, shoot higher, this low rent business is a trap. Have a dream or you will turn 40 like me looking for the next abusive and tense situation to move in merely cause it's cheap andYOU ARE NOT CHEAP!"

  I think I've broken the cycle. It's taken a decision to do so and a lot of practice and an enormous amount of love and support from my friends. Like I said, I empathize with my Pacific West Coastians, I don't enjoy feeling out of control of my destiny. I hated hearing people say "if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem". I still don't buy that. That was the rhetoric in my punk house days. I like to think of it like this: "If I am not happy the problem is me." I'm a human being. I'm good at solving problems. That is what we do best. If I can solve my problem with the help of others, I can help others solve their problem too. And I do love to help.

  Beginning to think.....it's all just a state of mind.

J

The fear of "meh....."

  What is my deepest fear? Why do I tolerate that fear? Why do I worry about it and why do I tolerate that worry?

  Fear of death? Nah, that's not it. I have no control over when and where I will be called home, I do have control over how I treat my body, eating right, not drinking too much, exercising, wearing a bike helmet if I bike. But ultimately I fully accept I'm not going to be here forever. Life on Earth for me is a temporary experience bookended by the 2 greater mysteries: where did I come from and where am I going. We'll get back to this in a few paragraphs because I feel like some of my actual fear arises in my silly human attempt to answer these questions by believing in what so called 'holy' men have told me to believe centuries ago.

  Fear of success? Not so much any more. I accept that with success comes more responsibility. Even the success of marriage and starting a family. Think about our language: "so Jef when are you going to settle down?" No thank you. Why do we think of marriage and family as "settling down?" I don't wish to settle down.....perhaps committing to another human to build something needs to be looked at as "stepping up", which to me really is the truth. Bringing a life into this world is bringing more energy into it. The language "settling down" has really kept me from "stepping up" to that plate, and while I am happy sitting in my bright little room with a meager bank account surrounded by my instruments, I think that is most unfortunate. How did I turn 46 without experiencing the ring? I don't view this as "escaping marriage" or any other cute little thing, I meet men and women daily who are baffled by this in themselves.
 
  So it must be the fear of failure or fear of rejection.

 Nope. I've failed so many times in this life. That isn't what stops me from trying. And really I can look back and be happy I've had so much failure, I have made attempts but that failure really can be summed up in this: my lack of commitment. My lack of following through to the bitter end. There is a fear that paralyzes me, on greater and deeper than death itself.

  It's the fear of "meh, whatever." The fear of mediocrity. Nothing causes more terror in this soul than this. It creates its own monster over and over again. It may be the only thing I feel victimized by and I am no victim.

  "To become a success is to become a sellout". I hear this over and over and over again in the field of music. And look at the examples of success we have to prove this: Kenny G, thousands of hours of the same bland hip hop tracks I hear pumping from war canoes in the street, music in the same low vibe movie Hollywood produces again and again and again. To be a success is to "settle down" into a mediocre place of pleasing people again and again.

  Look at the nature of being a politician. You cannot take a chance. 300 million people will blame you for leading us wrong in a nation where we supposedly are the leaders (I still know this to be true). So the politician can only find the bland middle ground to keep a job. There are no true radicals. If you choose to take a giant step you will be out of a job with millions of people blaming you in a sea of self pity too lazy to raise our voices and actually change what we want to change. So the politician settles down into a role of being respectable. Is being respectable being alive? Being your natural, eccentric, excellent self? I don't think so. Who really wants that? Who really wants to settle down? My core being would rather die.

  Can we imagine a world where success meant stepping up into our most excellent selves regardless of whatever reward we may want? If the reward was "wow, you are actually being honest and that is enough". Can we imagine a world where we didn't say "settling down" and replaced it with a more positive "stepping up" when it comes to commitment and responsibility?

  It is a challenge in this world we have created, a world that encourages and even rewards mediocrity. It starts the minute we are born and last until we realize we don't care what anyone thinks about us and if we are lucky enough to wake up from this bad dream, we have a day where we don't compare ourselves to anyone else. We are unique beings, we can contribute in a unique way to this beautiful temporary existence. And this existence is temporary. I have seen amazing changes with friends who had near death experiences. Heck, in my 30's I though I was going to die. My energy for about 2 years was just...low. I had no idea what was going on but I must have decided to live and have as much fun as I could. When I think about that time, I was having a good time. I pissed off a few people but that's really not my problem. My creative output was really high at this time as well. I got my health back (simple matter of sleep apnea and the cure was to sleep on my stomach!) and have continued to live and create but, this fear lately has been gnawing at my neck the more I step up for this life.

  I can feel it when I talk about what my vision is, goals are and steps I'm taking to actualize that vision. It's a physical feeling. This horrible dullness. It feels evil. Satan is a boring chap, hopelessly boring. Dull as dishwater. We all

have a little bit of the devil inside of us and he always whispers in our ear: "conformity is the way, be respectable."

  Man what are you talking about? Isn't it the devil that tells us to be all crazy?

  What is crazy? Partying too much? Writing generic misogynistic  hip hop music with lots of swear words? It's all adhering to a pattern is it not? Buying a house you can't afford? Joining a church and being told how to live? Loving thy neighbor yet killing him slowly with jealousy while messing up ones own groove by out buying him with that new car? Why do these things? Cause someone you deem more successful than you has done them? I don't know. All of the above is pretty dead and boring to me. The devil bores me, always did, always will.

  Fear dulls my days. Mediocrity and fear are worth a lot of money to those who thrive on a low vibration. I don't fight it, I am powerless over it. I just do my best to not participate. It's so slick. The fear creeps in slowly through all those advertisements I see on the G train and all the language of people I interact with. Powerless. On my good days I can just observe and be aware, then proceed to the best of my ability....and don't watch the news.

  So how did I get here in this moment where I am happier but not satisfied with my little life? I wasn't raised religious myself but had plenty of exposure to the concept of heaven. "Oh this life can suck cause it's all about the afterlife, yeah, the afterlife will do." Will it? Can one prove to me that there is an afterlife? That I will come back as a president or a rock star next time?

  Hmm. I think we found a root of this colossal laziness, maybe the root. At least for me it's possibly the root. It's information handed to us from thousands of years ago written down by people high on wine and eating moldy bread causing hallucinations. Dude, when a guy tripping on acid tries to tell me how to live I tell him to shut up.

  What if this is all the time I do have? Then what?

  If that is my mind set I'm more apt to live better. Oddly enough I've lived in this silly idea that if I live a proper life (which I've thank God, FAILED at so completely!!!) I will be rewarded in heaven, if not I burn in hell. Maybe it's just what we make of life. Hell exist on Earth just as Heaven does. It's really about owning my mistakes for me. If I avoid them, I create my own hell, my own miserable, craptastic hopelessly boring mediocre hell. What is heaven for me? It's owning my stuff, taking responsibility and stepping up making the best music I can make, the best treatment of others I can give, being of the best service I can be. It's taking the best care of myself and others as I am capable of.

  What's been given to me as the language of marriage, success, it's rooted in the hell concept (settling DOWN, selling OUT, DOWN & OUT!). It's no wonder I haven't given these things my all. And to now make waves and be respectable is to get to heaven. Oof.

  So for now it's stepping UP and looking IN. I like this vibe much better. Perhaps I'll build me some heaven this way, or perhaps not. Whatever the results, it's new to me and I am an explorer.

J
 

Stuck? Your consumer likes it that way. Give him a vacation!

It's been a minute since I've written anything here. Things are good in my life, growing and expanding. It's 11 days to Christmas, those days are short, less light and plenty of anxiety about what to buy for presents and even less pleasant, the thought of throwing myself into fits of shopping around stressed out and sometimes mean shoppers is pretty gross.

I heard a phrase a couple of weeks back that said "If you want to be successful at something you need to stop being such a consumer". Usually when I hear something like that I don't want to hear it and it upsets me a bit but this time I felt relief and a bit of joy right away.

I can see it in myself. That consumer is the ultimate procrastinator. He's slick. He's the lying, cheating addict embedded deep inside of me. He loves to distract me, keep me feeling inferior, keep me feeling competitive and keep me from actually doing anything about it. Shopping whether it be going to a department store, buying a bunch of stuff and returning it, or sitting online on Ebay, forums, Amazon, shopping consumes time before it consumes your savings account you worked so hard to create.

It is quite possible you already have everything you actually need to get your job done. It is quite possible you are already happy too. I can speak from experience, I am happy and getting my work done. I want things but overall, I want a real vacation and to maybe go on more dates. I have more than enough material things in my life, they also consume time and energy.

My consumer is a time bandit. He loves to rob me of time. I track my expenses and income every day, that has helped. It's really illuminating to see that I've spent $100 on fast food in a month. WHat did I learn from that? I'm running around too much (fast part of the phrase) not smelling the roses, not enjoying my life and perhaps living too much to please others and the expense is my soul and a future series of heart disease. Since summer of 2013 I've maybe spent $60 on fast food. That's about 18 months. I'm cooking more at home, taking my time, doing a better job of taking care of me. I'm not living as compulsively as I can and really, fast food places don't suit me. They are depressing so it says to me I'm putting a higher value on myself. I like that. And I feel better cooking.

We live in a country where we are rewarded for being passive consumers. We are bombarded with information daily, we are raised to compete with our neighbors and we live in the myth that if we made less money this year than last then our happiness is completely doomed. Can you see how absurd that is? I love earning money and having it around but I only started to do better when I saw there is no actual connection between money and happiness. Best to cultivate your garden of joy today rather than put it off for the day you are a fantasy millionaire. Stop putting your joy off right now. Go bowling with a friend or whatever you enjoy doing.

My favorite phrase when I was in retail was "I have to do more research". I would put a persons dream guitar in their hands, they would smile and be blown away then say "I have to do more research". Why? What does that mean? So you are going to read more forums full of blow hard experts and come back to me with some minute details about a tiny part that might make it harder to sell? You've killed the connection. You've killed your valuable time. Money is one thing, you can always make more, but time? This is all we got honey. One day it's over. Best to start that band right now or get that novel started or actually practice taking photos on your phone rather than spend a year researching the differences between a Nikon and a Canon. Like the Nike ad says, JUST F%*%&* DO IT!

I hear this phrase many times when something positive is right in front of our faces. It's the coolest manifestation of the fear of making a decision. Granted I know how difficult that can be and in this world full of unnecessary products, it's overwhelming. True story: I walked into Fred Meyer on Interstate Avenue in Portland needing dish soap, a road atlas and some paper towels. I hadn't fed myself properly so between the depressing fluorescent lighting, the bad state of attitude and health amongst the employees, the awful musak playing and the worst: 20 different dish detergents to choose from, 32 different types of paper towels and road atlas season being over, I got overwhelmed. I started shaking so I went home hands empty. I had a consumer mini meltdown! That's an hour I want back. But I'm not going to research paper towels, that may be 5 hours I want back. Instead I went to a smaller place with better vibes and made my purchases there. Somewhere where I could make a decision. Somewhere relatively sane.

So why was I happy to read hear the phrase mentioned above about being successful? I by no means have this problem licked in myself. I'm an Ebay addict. But I have come a long way in changing those old, bad habits. And I like to earn what I really want to buy, it feels good to not use a credit card and give Visa 2-3 times the original purchase price over time. My inner consumer doesn't like that. He doesn't want me to accept myself where I am in the present moment. He's mad at me for not participating in the holiday madness. He's mad at me for saving money and investing. He wants me to spend all of that so I can remain stuck and addicted to the idea that shopping for more stuff will improve my life. He's mad at me every time I work on my music. Let him be mad! I happen to love making music and I have all I need to get that done. I happen to love going on long walks or writing stories. I happen to love cooking at home and I happen to make better coffee than any coffee shop and I love to share it with friends.

Mr. Consumer, take a long deserved break. You earned it. You work so hard. Just for today your services are not required. I'll give you a call when I want to switch brands of dish detergent. Thank you for trying to help, NOW GIT!

J

What do I really want?

  "This is America, no one is here to help you. You are on your own! America isn't even a country any more, it's a business. Now where's my fucking money?!" - Brad Pitts character in a mediocre gangster film I saw on Netflix today.

  That was the last line in the film. Nothing else was worth anything. No character development, some good acting but I don't even know what the story was cause, well, I simply didn't care about the characters. They gave me no reason to care. You know, it's Netflix. A lotta movies you sorta want to see.

  But that last line was brilliant. And maybe the point was made in this film. I don't care, where's my money? I don't care about my neighbor, the government, the world, the economy, where's my money? Money money money money money money money? Where is it?

  Dude, where is my community?

  Americans like to play the victim. It's really strange. There was a study I heard about. It was an examination of chimpanzee life. When we say chimpanzee we tend to think of them as creatures not too unlike us. Patriarchal, they make war amongst tribes etc. Very human. A few genes away from us. In reality before human stupidity intervened in their idyllic world, they were very matriarchal, egalitarian and they shared resources to insure the survival of the species. Then along came some scientist.... "Well, we can study chimps closer if we put out stores of food for them!" What happened next is after being introduced to abundance, or having too much, the became rapidly patriarchal, stopped sharing and started hoarding and became more warlike. In short, they went insane. It begs the question, have we gone mad? Yes, I think we have a long time ago.

  We love to bitch and moan about taxes here. I wonder if we would complain about investing in our own country if we saw any tangible value for our hard earned dollars? We have this outstanding military fighting in lands we don't really care about and that cost us billions of dollars. We have a sorry health care system that forces us to buy insurance from shady corporations (I got insured this year for the first time since I was 19. Within 3 months I got a notice saying they were going to have to raise my premium cause the rising cost of medicines. There is no real reason for the cost of medicines to rise is there? I feel scammed. I feel this stupid system was put into place cause any healthcare system that actually cared about health would be deemed "socialist", like our outstanding military, and the powers that be are failure junkies, nihilist.), our roads are sub-par, public transportation in a non major city sucks and our education system ain't exactly rocking. Not to mention the criminals who nearly destroyed the world economy were given our tax dollars to save it and run the show again. Yes, I'm just as cynical as most Americans about paying taxes though for me it's not about getting more stuff, it's about taking care of one another. I see nothing wrong with that. I want that. I love to help.

  I've talked about this before but will again. When I was a child community was important. We all knew each other on my little street. Then 1979 happened. Cable TV. Goodbye neighbors. Hello new levels of dullness and dis-connection. "Hey you wanna go look for turtles?" "Na, I would but this one cool episode of Gilligans Island is on again...." Heartbreaking. My family got cable 3 years after the fact. By that point I had so much useful resentment towards television I could resist. Plus we didn't have HBO, which guaranteed 2 boob shots per R rated film. And, this was pre-Sopranos. TV sucked. Bad writing, bad outfits, bad ideas, bad acting. It was easy to avoid. Not so easy now. The writing is better, I'm hooked. Community? What's that? Hmmm. Where did we go?

 And speaking of money and my complaining fellow countrymen. The average American watches 4 hours of television a day. In an average American lifetime that adds up to about 13 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. For a middle class individual that's about a million dollars income. Invested? Double that. No, we are not lazy and we work hard earning for other people, but imagine. 13 years of time when one can be doing something really fulfilling. This week I tracked some of my time. Yes, 2 Netflix movies a day. There's my 4 hours plus whatever else on the interwebs I'm killing time with. It's the ultimate drug. Hmmm. 13 years times 300 million people. That is a lot of time. We can make a better country with all that time. We have no reason or excuse to complain about anything. If we have 13 years of numbing our minds, blowing off our feelings, coping, we have too much. Any of us can use that time wisely to realize our own dreams. And best part? In front of a screen we don't even need to interact with one another!

  Yes, this is a cynical post. And I'm writing it from my own relationship to wasting life. I'm not happy with this. I cannot change the world let alone save it, but I must change my own ways. This isn't the dream I grew up with. The one where I knew my whole block. The one full of hope for a super cool future. I don't like how self centered I am and we are. See, I want to change. I want to help genuinely and I want to feel good about this marvelous piece of land I occupy. And I really don't know what to do. I know I get a good vibe from my neighbors in this building but I don't know any of their names. That's got to change. I need to change that. It's a start. I know that a positive vibe is as infectious as a negative vibe. I want community. Genuine connection. My band gets gigs through meeting people and enjoying a good vibe. Any thing that is really good in my life has come to me that way. Meeting others and saying "I like your shoes, music, vibe".

  I like business. But I do not care to live in one. I'd rather live in a world.

J

Some photographs from beyond....

When I moved from Portland to Los Angeles I threw out roughly 1000 photos. I simply didn't wish to carry them around in boxes. But, I did save some. I'll be posting them here for you to enjoy! J1

                                                 Daphna Kohn, Portland Oregon 2004

                                                      Brooke Crouser, Vancouver BC 2002

                                                   Self Portrait, 1999, Portland Oregon

                                                  Jesse Carrot, 1999, Portland Oregon

                                                 Djin Teeth (Fangs!), Portland Oregon 2005

                                         Charles Street, Baltimore

                                         Charles Street, Baltimore

                                          ???? America, possibly North Dakota.

                                         front porch, Portland Oregon

                                           Douglas Berman, The Baseball Astologer, Portland 2000

                                               The Angel of the North, Newcastle England 2002

                                                Tampere, Finland 2002

                                                  Baltimore Maryland

                                                  Charles Street, Baltimore Md.

                                                        WW1 Memorial, Maryhill Washington

                                                 Los Angeles.

                                          Charles Street, Baltimore Md.

                                          ? Oregon. I call this one cavalry.

                                          France....

                                         Salt.....

                                         Music for all.

                                          Hashish for some.

                                                 John Fleming.

                                                  Steven Wray Lobdel

                                                   Josh Stevenson, Vancouver Washington

                                                  Charles before Dr Seuss Lawsuit

                                                   Lucia Harold, Portland Oregon 2003

                                         Old Man with cane, Brixton England 2002

                                         Michelle, Portland Oregon

                                         Les Petit Rats rehearsal

                                         Les Petit Rats rehearsal

                                         David Parks, Portland Oregon

                                          Jyvaskyla, Finland 2002

                                          Haunted house

                                                  Daniel Higgs, Lungfish, Portland Oregon

                                                  Jocelyn and Brooke. Jomf sessions.

                                                  Angel of the dishes, Colmar France 2002

                                                Sanna Natunen, jyväskylä Finland

                                               Daphna Kohn, Margery Fairchild

                                                   Kyla Czech

                                                   Daphna Kohn

Michael Henrickson

Pedestals are lonely places.

  I've recently been told by a friend that I'm "The Truth", something to do with the music I create and such. I don't find it nice to project such an image onto me or anyone else. There will be that incident some day where I will let you down and you'll see me as I really am, a petty, shallow and greedy being who sometimes makes poor choices, just like the rest of the human beings thank goodness.

  Yes, I have my peculiar spiritual practice, I'm making honest music and I'm generally in a positive place these days and I work hard at creating that space for myself. Taking care of me I can create a better vibe for my friends, associates, students and family to be around. And I am a pretty cool dude, I do my best and that's all I can do.

  I was 20 years old standing on the edge of a rooftop contemplating jumping off cause the girl I was obsessed with rejected me. In other words taking life way too seriously! I only have one memory of her now and that is something she said: "Dude you put me on a pedestal, it's lonely up there and someday you will knock me down". Words of wisdom. I'm grateful for that.

  What did she mean? Well, in my insecurity I flooded her with compliments and praise. Really kinda manipulative, I wanted her to myself and wanted her near me. I was in a state of denial. She was just a human trying to find her way in this mad world and I wanted a companion so badly I was willing to throw myself off a building to prove it. Wow. Glad that's out of my system! Life rocks today!

  So why do we do this? Form images of others and add to those images rather than just accept them? I've watched marriages fall apart after 30, 40, 10, 5 years with both people saying they feel like they don't know their partner. Is that such a bad thing? Isn't it better to be honest and admit you don't really know anyone especially your spouse? You know their patterns, habits, some stuff they say but you don't live in any ones head but your own. And me? I don't even know myself yet. Why would I pretend to know anything about you if I don't even know me? Why not start fresh and admit it every day and see those we love as fresh and alive, ever changing though maybe stuck in some old habits.    
  It's possible so why the "I know you and you are this" whether that is above or below or equal in your mind? Why not let all that go? If you do what happens? You may find you have more energy than you think you do. More energy to create a happy existence. Be greedy for joy, I see no problem with that. And those you disappoint, say sorry and move on. Can't say sorry for ever. Climb on down from that lonely pedestal you were placed upon and live your life the way you want to. You may find it weird and lonely getting off that platform, the comment I spoke of in the first paragraph gave my ego a little boost, I felt a bit of that sense of power. And I regret not saying "please don't do that, it's not nice what you said". In fact I'm waiting for the consequences now. So feel that loneliness and do your work. The one giving the compliment will find their way and you'll find yours.

JB