Bookends of a day. It ends well.

  This morning I had a nice suicide dream. I was in this room with the Hale Bopp cult who were drinking vodka and taking phenobarbital while someone was putting black perfectly square blankets over them as they slipped away.

  I wasn't down with the scene. I tiptoed around them and found a door and walked out. I could hear my father laughing "what kind of morons would off themselves to a comet called Hale Bopp?"

  Yesterday brought up all kinds of triggers but, like in the dream, I want to live. I do suffer the human 'taking myself way too seriously' bits from time to time.

  So I went about the day and it ended well. Got a nice 2 hour practice session in on my sax. I'm loving the sound lately and it's really meditative to practice. It's astounding the amount of time one can put into an instrument. It's Friday night and I'm almost never out with the rest of you. I don't much enjoy bars unless there is some Afrobeat to dance to, and Zebulon closed 2 1/2 years ago. So I work on music.

  It's a good thing for bad times and a good thing for good times. What am I working on? Just some of my own stuff and new melodies for Gospel of Mars. I don't play jazz. I hardly touch the stuff these days. And that feels right. When I play a standard I feel competitive. I feel the compare despair crap. "Oh I'll never be as good as Joshua Redman or James Carter".

  I don't know where that attitude comes from. Berklee years? It's gross. And as if I'd ever want to play like those guys or sound like them. And as if they would ever care!

  So I play me. That's all I got baby. And it's the best kind of self care to just do that. Tonight I had some new ideas come in the channel. I could hear my old teacher WC Cage say "the more you play the more ideas you find". Wise words from a wise old man. I've never known anyone to think their way out of a writing block but have known myself to play my way out of a thinking block.

  Progress. It's good for the heart.

  As I was about to write this I noticed I got a reply on todays earlier post. I got excited for a moment but then saw it was mr. Finnell with his same old tired bible drivel. Bunch of verse written by drunk men a long time ago. It's sad what those words do to people. Like the vultures are picking the bones while your body is still warm. Please refrain from posting your religious stuff here. I'm happily unsaved and loving it. Amen.

J

Heat, heartbreak and jewelry

  So I'm going to shift away from lofty 'spiritual' post and just treat this place as my blog, or Jefs Blog.

One of my musical projects seems to have ended yesterday. There's a bit of relief from all the resistance I was feeling, but mostly heartbreak. Sometimes you can put a lot of love into something and it just doesn't work out. I'm grieving.

  It's been a beautiful summer here. Hot at times, but overall beautiful. I don't know how to appreciate it. I haven't gone to the beach, the river or even the valley. All I'm doing is working on music, working to pay for music, and being of service to others. I'm sad and annoyed. I forgot to have fun again and summer is over.

  I teach kids music for part of my living. I refrain from telling them what a shit show music can be. They have dreams. Life hasn't torn up their contract yet.

  Today I feel invisible. I've reached that age.

  A small victory. I've been intentionally leaving my cellphone at home. I don't like the invisible leash. Last night I was sitting at Troost having a tequila for a nightcap. I kept feeling panicky over not having my Apple product in my pocket. I wanted to broadcast how panicky I felt for not having my phone on me to broadcast bullshit to the world. That was great.

  Last week I spent most of the money I worked hard to save on my vehicle getting new brakes etc. so it will be legal in NYC. I'm glad I could afford it but once again I can't afford a vacation. I'm spending the rest on new clothes and jewelry. I need something to feel good.

 The irony of it is I have a car to take daytrips. I rarely do. There is always a need to make money.

  Bought a necklace with the biggest bling from a very nice Colombian lady on Bedford. That feels good. She offered a nice conversation.

  Bought a bracelet from another lady on Bedford. No bracelet fits me. I have really thick wrist. I have a thick neck too and hats generally don't fit me either. But she made one for me on the spot. Rose gold. It's beautiful. We have a conversation about how each of us are custom built. That's the most truth I've gotten in weeks.

  New clothes and jewelry rock.

  Lately I've entertained the idea of getting a tattoo. A Mayan turtle. I love turtles. Then I read an article about tattoo artist in last weeks Timeout magazine. I realized getting a tattoo will put me in the 'in' crowd. That doesn't sit well with me. So, jewelry it is.

  And I like it.

j

Flags

  The other day I was teaching a guitar lesson to a young boy and he asked me "what's your religion?" I answered truthfully: I don't have one. He had a difficult time wrapping his head around that, in his world one belongs to a faith, that is what he is being taught so he asked me a few more times. I just gave him the simple true answer I gave above: I don't belong to any religion. No agenda, no need to explain and really, it's a guitar lesson, it would be really inappropriate and distracting to talk about my opinions when he can barely sit still enough to get through a round of "Smoke on the Water".

  I've never belonged to a particular faith. I consider myself spiritual, whatever that means to you, and I do believe in god, I just don't believe in anyone else's version of god. The versions I've been handed by other people, well, they just didn't ring true to me. The plants don't fear the sun or the moon or the rain, so why should I? It's as simple as the air we breathe.

  I've felt this way since I was about this boys age. I think it may be our highest duty to be as skeptical as we can be of another's version of how to live our lives.

  It took another few years for me to stop pledging allegiance to our flag. It was around late middle school. I chose to be silent. I'd stand up but keep the words inside. I was weird enough as a kid and didn't need any more abuse from those who agreed with the act. So I spent the next few years in silence and eventually even stopped putting my hand on my heart. I did go to school with a few kids that liked the idea of being in the military. They really turned me off to the whole matter. They were ready to kill for their country. One fantasized about going back to Vietnam and doing the job right. I learned quickly there was no point in arguing with them, they had swallowed the Coolaid long ago. And I was the freak. Thank god for them, the need to fit in was greatly diminished by the turnoff.

  So why am I writing this today? I watched a bit of the stupid Klan march on the news. I could see their symbol being waved around along with that nasty old German flag, and their salutes and all that other nonsense, then I saw those pretty black, green and red flags too with some folks holding their fist in the air. White Power! Black Power! Ugh..... There is no flag for a guy like me. It dawned on me, all flags are violent ultimately. They say "these are our ideals!" This is our identity. At best the US flag meant to me tolerance and the peculiar idea of freedom (Economic? Religious? Political?) but looking at our actions as a nation from day 1, we've always been at war, we've always had a need to dominate. Oh I'm not saying we don't have great things here, when I watch the world news I'm glad this is where I live. When I watch the US news I'm glad I chose New York City to live in. I am saying I'm not down with our behavior on this world stage. And that behavior is destroying us. I'm not down with self destruction.

  So what do I pledge allegiance to? That is a good question. The only thing I can come up with right now is knowing that ultimately we are all the same. The same matter, the same energy. I pledge allegiance to love and compassion as best as I can. I pledge allegiance to the living truth which has no path, no flag, no ideals, it is alive after all just like the sun, the moon, the trees, the air. I pledge allegiance to being good to one another and knowing that we may never be able to move away from the patterns and propaganda set down in holy books thousands of years ago. I pledge allegiance that I may be the biggest fool of them all by doing my best to question all of it. And maybe that would be my flag? I can dig that. I can't take the fool too seriously.

JB

The News

  On my good days I don't read the news. Sounds odd. Don't I want to be informed about what is happening in this world? No, not really. "Information is power". Really? How?

  The news is everywhere. I can view it on my phone in a coffee shop, or look to the column at the right on my Facebook feed and see what's 'trending'. Or even better, I can see the human horror show right in the center of my Facebook feed through my friends and 'friends' I've never met. It's a drug that is available 24/7 no matter where I am. I get to be reminded of how embarrassing humanity is. People fighting over bits of colored rags we call flags with our silly salutes and all that. People killing over words written by drunk and tripping people thousands of years ago.

  But information it power right? I need to stay informed right? How can I be a good citizen by not participating? Well, like I said on my good days I don't. It dawned on me the other morning that by reading the news, I may be contributing to the horror show. The low is how I get high. It harms me. There is nothing I can do about a person whose mind is warped and manipulated into a pattern deep enough to blow oneself up in a crowded market. There is nothing I can do about a horrible policeman who beat a man or woman to death. If it's in the news it has already happened. I'm well aware already, I don't need to be hit over the head again and again with the horror show. I already have the information. It's on repeat. It happens daily again and again.

  What I can do is just do my best to be a decent human being. Be kind to strangers. Love as much as I can from where I stand right now. Oh it may be futile and maybe I'm totally delusional but hey, the other way hasn't worked out at all. I'd be insane to think things will change by staying glued to the information parade. I do that and I get depressed, cranky, argumentative, righteous and I'm less capable of being kind to the rest of you. In that small 'butterfly flapping it's wings in China' way I've contributed to the violence in this world. That is no way to exist.

  I think it was Mother Theresa who once said she would never attend an anti war rally but if there were a pro peace rally she'd be there. I love that.

J

Big money, little creativity.

  I live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Right next to Williamsburg which may be one of the hottest real estate strips of land in the country. I've been here for about 2 years and have seen many businesses come and go already, almost all of the artist driven out being replaced with 'artist lofts' for some mysterious wealthy 'artist' to work in. I wasn't here 20 years ago when this was a sleepy, sketchy little strip of land so I did not witness the biggest change, I was living in Portland Oregon at the time where I got to take part in gentrifying the Alberta Street neighborhood, fled to the Mississippi district where my friends and I swore the developers couldn't find us but they did. This is a nationwide trend. What I saw in Portland brought a lot of mixed feelings, some joy (I ain't gonna lie, the Fresh Pot rocked and I love good coffee) and a lot of heartbreak (there is nothing like waiting to get that knock on your door telling you the reality: you don't own your place and it's time to go, you have been priced out. Not to mention you were a pioneer in a neighborhood where people didn't really want you. Oh some were nice, others had understandable resentment).

  So I live in a Polish neighborhood mixed with folks from Kashmir, Turkey, Guatemala, Ecuador etc. But largely Polish. I feel safe for now. I can rest a bit until September when the lease is up. That's a big question mark. Can I take on the lease or does the owner want to renovate and get more money. I'll be the best tenant that I can but this is just a part of the shuffle. I'm comfortable on many levels but I know the reality in Williamsburg is happening everywhere, even in Greenpoint.

  So I'm not writing this to slam people for wanting to make money, I consider myself a capitalist, I am a part of this system. So if you want a big pile of negativity about the rich on this post, please look at someone else's blog. I am writing this to present a series of soul searching questions. What exactly is happening and what does it all mean? I will admit I don't like it though I have come to accept it. One day I shall die and my voice won't matter. It may not matter at all now. I am powerless over it and there is little I can do except live my life to it's fullest and enjoy it as much as I can in my remaining time.

  So I'll start here. The other night I was out with a friend. I wouldn't really call it a date but that's a nice word and this has come up on other dates too. See, I don't really drink much any more and the people I tend to attract don't drink much either. So say the movie is over or the concert is over and you aren't ready to go home with that person but you still want to hang out and vibe with one another, enjoy the company. Going home is too intimate, but neither of you wants a drink. What do you do? Where do you go? There is an abundance of bars here, but so far I have not found one late night tea house or smoothie joint. And if there is a late night non booze joint its usually brightly lit and set up for college kids. No vibe, no atmosphere, bad music. You want the dim lights and romantic atmosphere the temples of booze present but without the vibe of drunk people. See, in my experience bars are just that: you drink and drink more for the possibility of getting laid. I'm being honest here, that was how I used them years ago. The boundaries go down then so do you. That used to work, good and shallow, at times fun but almost always regrettable. So what do folks interested in sobriety do? What do folks interested in something else do? Something creative?

  Further more could such a place survive? Rent needs to be paid monthly on the first. I've seen many good hearted people try to open all ages spots for music only to be hit with reality: booze is instant cash flow, a lot more than tea or smoothies. It creates a division: no one under 21 can come in any longer further dampening that young persons ability to hang out with older people who have lived longer. Younger people stay younger, influence each other and youth music stagnates. Doubt me? Teach kids like I do. Every time a youngster wants to learn something contemporary it's the same song as the last song I taught. Same chords, same melody, same emotionally manipulative arc, same beat. It's frightening the lack of diversity, the lack of risk....

  And that's what this article is about. Risk. I don't see money as a killer of creativity. I do see the compulsive need to massively increase the bottom line as the killer of creativity. Case in point is the music I just spoke of. 30 years ago top 40 radio was diverse. Today it's horridly fascist. Did anyone watch when Putin put the Medvedev in power? His acceptance speech? The music in the background was the same as the Olympic games. 120BPM 4 to the floor cheese ball house beat. I make music. It really freaked me out to see that. What are we doing to our little brains? Political speech boom bum bum bum boom bum bum bum......

  I went on a nice long walk the other day, the weather was heaven on earth and I have been working too much so it was great to have a day off. I looked at some of the many massive condos going into the neighborhood. A few of them have this retro 60's theme. I kinda like that. Nice colors, nice modern design past the first floor. The first floor however looks like the projects. Dull, dreary, blocky, almost 3rd world communist cheap. Then I start wondering about the insides of the rest of the building. The first floor represents that bottom line. Why not make it beautiful and welcoming? Why so cheap and ugly? Where is the opulence something I expect from a place that cost so much money to live in? I like a good hotel room, I love a good restaurant. I love the Chrysler Building. That is a true work of art. Is it really that much more expensive to make something really beautiful and lasting?

  And I guess it's like that. Ferraris were once beautiful cars. They are hideous to me now but at one point they had such class. The new ones, well at least they are ugly, they say something. I was pointed out this: You can buy an Acura or something else that performs as well as a Ferrari for much, much less so why not just buy the cheaper one? Well, the Ferrari has an ego attached to it. It has a designer who created that hideous thing. It makes a bold statement. It says 'risk'. It says perhaps "I am a douchebag, stay out of my way!" The Acura was formed by a committee. People coming together concerned about selling as many as they can. "We can shift more units of this baby if we just tame this down a bit" etc, and they are right. People don't like to stand out. The same comparative principle applies to buildings, bars, art and music. If we are going to sell a lot of these we can't take the risk of trying something new or too radical. People aren't going to like it so we need to stick with what works.

  So back to my date bit. Is it possible to build a temple of beauty, love, art, a place where people go and feel really good on a saturday night that has a great vibe but no booze? Is that too honest? Would there be a need for it? Would anyone but my crazy self frequent it? Would I frequent it? Could it make enough money to grow?

  Is there a temple to music that has no booze, where people of all ages are welcome that is beautiful, smells good, has a great vibe, nice lighting, isn't a church and doesn't feel like it's run by resentful communist? (I've played more than my share of punk rock DIY spaces and free improv houses and never, ever felt welcome though I do appreciate the spirit and the intent, just not my vibe). Would people really support it? Would I support it? Is there an audience for such places?

  One last note. Something I'm glad I witnessed. I played a little bar in Belgium years ago. When we arrived it was packed with high school kids who just finished their day. They were having a beer after class and had all of their book bags in a pile on the floor. Most of them went home, some stayed to see the band. None appeared drunk. There was such a trusting vibe there. I really liked that. So maybe the problem isn't booze but how we here in America use it (yes, I'm speaking of myself too). So maybe a non alcoholic spot isn't the solution, but more trust, more love, more faith in each others maturity. It's possible I think. Possible.

  -Jef

The root of my doubt

  Lately there has been a lot of change around my life. I'm being blasted out of my comfort cage. I sleep well, sometimes my dreams are mellow and sometimes they are intense but regardless I get about 3 seconds of bliss every morning as my eyes open before all the crappy anxiety pours in like a psychic cement truck.

  What is going on exactly? I've been through phases like this before but this is really disturbing.

  First I'll look at the positives. I live in my dream city. I'm slowly working on 3 records, one of which is close to being completed and is relatively easy, it's collaborative so it's harder to dawdle away. It feels stalled for some reason, both of us have been hit hard by the winter and I'm not sure we've recovered yet. The other 2 are far more naked. If course I'm scared. The first shows my production style more than my playing, the other 2 are all about my actual playing. I'm way more comfortable in the producer and writer chair than I am in the player chair. I know the first record is good and people will like it, I'm working with a really talented and interesting singer and her vocals bring the listener in right away. The other 2 are instrumental. I have a history of hiding through weird music. I don't want to make anything that is alienating. I happen to like people and I like having an audience.

  So I've been apt to not focus on the progress I've actually made and focus on the crap that bums me out: The trespasses I've made on friends last year (maybe former friends at this point, which is okay), the horrific state of top 40 music today and it's fear of trying anything new, Isis and where our pointless violence has led us all together, the news in general, the security deposit and my once again empty savings account.....

  Then you have the deep stuff. The list above is superficial and it goes on. What's under all of that?

  The trespasses I've made on friends: YOU DON'T DESERVE HAVE SUCCESS.
  The horrific state of top 40 music and the amount of fear to even try a new chord progression: YOU ARE NO EXPERT, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE SUCCESS.
  Isis and the news: PEOPLE HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU, HOW DARE YOU! YOU DON'T DESERVE SUCCESS.
  My empty bank account: EVIDENCE! IF YOUR FINANCES ARE AT BOTTOM, IT'S BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE WELL!

  The last statement is the only one that actually rings true. It uses the word belief. We tend to get only what we think we deserve and we definitely get what we tolerate.

  One thing is certain. That part of my mind that is creating all this fear and anxiety just doesn't like to me to be exposed. And the more I step out of this cage, the more it screams at me. It's crafty. It's kept me safe all these years so it likes to trick me into thinking I owe it my life. I don't. It protected me when i was a child. I'm not a child any longer. So rather than suppress it, I'll just observe it as it lies to me over and over again.

  And I'll keep on pushing. I listen to that Curtis Mayfield track a lot these days. I think that's what that song is about for me. I've got my pride, and I move it on aside and keep on pushing.......

  Yeah baby.

Turtles and Elephants.

  I've written about my box turtle who escaped a well made 'turtle condo' in Beverly Hills and is now living the good life. I like that story. I miss having those little creatures around and even in their absence I learn a great deal about myself.

  Many of our self help books talk of this thing called the reptilian brain and it's negativity. We know how to survive, i.e.: make rent, bills, live just within our means and have a dreary day job that saps our energy and our complaints (our negativity which is supposedly reptilian) keeps us in that cage 'o comfort. We don't know how to thrive simply because thriving is out of our comfort zone so the reptilian brain tells us it's dangerous out there, we may not survive if we choose to really go for our dreams. We listen to that part of our brain that is just trying to help us out just as we listen to a fearful friend or family member who says "it's impossible, why bother trying?"

  I call jive to this. Let's look at the reptile in a positive light. Let's take a look at intelligence and conditioning and see it for what it has done.

  I've heard a heartbreaking story about Elephants in a circus. I love watching humans in the circus, but I haven't been to the circus since I was a boy. I simply hate the way animals are treated. When I lived in Germany I got to take a tour behind the scenes and see those poor creatures, the elephants. I'll never forget those enormous cages. I remember one was bleeding. I could swear they were all crying. I am certain they were depressed. From that moment on I hated the circus and it reinforced my bitter feelings about humans. The animals would be better off without our horrible ways.

  Elephants like us, are highly intelligent. Circus elephants are highly trained. The story goes like this: To train elephants they tie the young ones up to things that are much heavier than they are so they form the habit they can't just run away. As they grow they get much bigger and stronger than whatever the object they are tied to yet, that illusion of not having enough strength is what keeps them tied down.

  Once there was a fire. The elephants were tied to aluminum barriers that a child could easily move. They didn't believe they could overcome those barriers thanks to what some cruel, greedy, small minded humans exploiting them taught them. All of them perished.

  Now my little turtle friends, they never accepted their captive circumstances. Ever. Glass walls, a box, they never bought it. They were relentless in the pursuit of getting beyond those walls. Brains the size of peas or smaller. I don't think there was a warm day when they didn't scratch and scale those walls. They never gave up. No, I wasn't a cruel person who punished them, I didn't reinforce their attempts with mean behavior, but even if I was so stupid they wouldn't have bought it.

  I would rather think of that primitive "reptilian brain" in a positive light along with our highly intelligent "elephant brain". We know we are strong and capable. We know we can work towards bettering ourselves and our cruel conditioning doesn't need to dictate our lot in life. Those nasty friends, neighbors, teachers, family members who have done their best to project their fears on us don't need to influence us for one minute longer. We know we have a choice. If they are in the past, let them be with the past amongst the dead. If they still talk to us this way and try to keep us tied to an aluminum barrier, get new friends, join a support group and move on by any means necessary. Let your intelligent elephant mind work together with your intelligent reptile brain, the pea brain that never accepts the cage. The one that is always looking for something better and knows these walls are simply an illusion put there by someone else.

JB