The root of my doubt

  Lately there has been a lot of change around my life. I'm being blasted out of my comfort cage. I sleep well, sometimes my dreams are mellow and sometimes they are intense but regardless I get about 3 seconds of bliss every morning as my eyes open before all the crappy anxiety pours in like a psychic cement truck.

  What is going on exactly? I've been through phases like this before but this is really disturbing.

  First I'll look at the positives. I live in my dream city. I'm slowly working on 3 records, one of which is close to being completed and is relatively easy, it's collaborative so it's harder to dawdle away. It feels stalled for some reason, both of us have been hit hard by the winter and I'm not sure we've recovered yet. The other 2 are far more naked. If course I'm scared. The first shows my production style more than my playing, the other 2 are all about my actual playing. I'm way more comfortable in the producer and writer chair than I am in the player chair. I know the first record is good and people will like it, I'm working with a really talented and interesting singer and her vocals bring the listener in right away. The other 2 are instrumental. I have a history of hiding through weird music. I don't want to make anything that is alienating. I happen to like people and I like having an audience.

  So I've been apt to not focus on the progress I've actually made and focus on the crap that bums me out: The trespasses I've made on friends last year (maybe former friends at this point, which is okay), the horrific state of top 40 music today and it's fear of trying anything new, Isis and where our pointless violence has led us all together, the news in general, the security deposit and my once again empty savings account.....

  Then you have the deep stuff. The list above is superficial and it goes on. What's under all of that?

  The trespasses I've made on friends: YOU DON'T DESERVE HAVE SUCCESS.
  The horrific state of top 40 music and the amount of fear to even try a new chord progression: YOU ARE NO EXPERT, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE SUCCESS.
  Isis and the news: PEOPLE HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU, HOW DARE YOU! YOU DON'T DESERVE SUCCESS.
  My empty bank account: EVIDENCE! IF YOUR FINANCES ARE AT BOTTOM, IT'S BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE WELL!

  The last statement is the only one that actually rings true. It uses the word belief. We tend to get only what we think we deserve and we definitely get what we tolerate.

  One thing is certain. That part of my mind that is creating all this fear and anxiety just doesn't like to me to be exposed. And the more I step out of this cage, the more it screams at me. It's crafty. It's kept me safe all these years so it likes to trick me into thinking I owe it my life. I don't. It protected me when i was a child. I'm not a child any longer. So rather than suppress it, I'll just observe it as it lies to me over and over again.

  And I'll keep on pushing. I listen to that Curtis Mayfield track a lot these days. I think that's what that song is about for me. I've got my pride, and I move it on aside and keep on pushing.......

  Yeah baby.

Turtles and Elephants.

  I've written about my box turtle who escaped a well made 'turtle condo' in Beverly Hills and is now living the good life. I like that story. I miss having those little creatures around and even in their absence I learn a great deal about myself.

  Many of our self help books talk of this thing called the reptilian brain and it's negativity. We know how to survive, i.e.: make rent, bills, live just within our means and have a dreary day job that saps our energy and our complaints (our negativity which is supposedly reptilian) keeps us in that cage 'o comfort. We don't know how to thrive simply because thriving is out of our comfort zone so the reptilian brain tells us it's dangerous out there, we may not survive if we choose to really go for our dreams. We listen to that part of our brain that is just trying to help us out just as we listen to a fearful friend or family member who says "it's impossible, why bother trying?"

  I call jive to this. Let's look at the reptile in a positive light. Let's take a look at intelligence and conditioning and see it for what it has done.

  I've heard a heartbreaking story about Elephants in a circus. I love watching humans in the circus, but I haven't been to the circus since I was a boy. I simply hate the way animals are treated. When I lived in Germany I got to take a tour behind the scenes and see those poor creatures, the elephants. I'll never forget those enormous cages. I remember one was bleeding. I could swear they were all crying. I am certain they were depressed. From that moment on I hated the circus and it reinforced my bitter feelings about humans. The animals would be better off without our horrible ways.

  Elephants like us, are highly intelligent. Circus elephants are highly trained. The story goes like this: To train elephants they tie the young ones up to things that are much heavier than they are so they form the habit they can't just run away. As they grow they get much bigger and stronger than whatever the object they are tied to yet, that illusion of not having enough strength is what keeps them tied down.

  Once there was a fire. The elephants were tied to aluminum barriers that a child could easily move. They didn't believe they could overcome those barriers thanks to what some cruel, greedy, small minded humans exploiting them taught them. All of them perished.

  Now my little turtle friends, they never accepted their captive circumstances. Ever. Glass walls, a box, they never bought it. They were relentless in the pursuit of getting beyond those walls. Brains the size of peas or smaller. I don't think there was a warm day when they didn't scratch and scale those walls. They never gave up. No, I wasn't a cruel person who punished them, I didn't reinforce their attempts with mean behavior, but even if I was so stupid they wouldn't have bought it.

  I would rather think of that primitive "reptilian brain" in a positive light along with our highly intelligent "elephant brain". We know we are strong and capable. We know we can work towards bettering ourselves and our cruel conditioning doesn't need to dictate our lot in life. Those nasty friends, neighbors, teachers, family members who have done their best to project their fears on us don't need to influence us for one minute longer. We know we have a choice. If they are in the past, let them be with the past amongst the dead. If they still talk to us this way and try to keep us tied to an aluminum barrier, get new friends, join a support group and move on by any means necessary. Let your intelligent elephant mind work together with your intelligent reptile brain, the pea brain that never accepts the cage. The one that is always looking for something better and knows these walls are simply an illusion put there by someone else.

JB