Today I was listening to some music by an Irish songwriter that didn't really move me one way or another, it was pleasant enough but what I did like about it was some of the songs, while modern, were clearly Irish. I grew up in a city that felt like a suburb here in the United States. I long for culture. I grew up with a confused version of culture. I feel somewhat lucky not having any really allegiance to a tribe, nation or a religion for that matter. Something seems dangerous about all of that to me. But I have spent most of this life totally confused when it comes to music. I guess that is why jazz appealed to me. Anybody who can play it can, well, play it. As an art form it borrows and steals from whatever musical form inspires the performer. It's what you make of it.
Part of this peculiar culture has annihilated myths and ritual. This article explores that thing that confuses so many of us: what is a man? I didn't have a Bar Mitvah, elder tribesman kidnap me and take me into the woods to learn how to hunt, a Beautillion, confirmation or any of those things that announces: you are a man, get with some responsibilities NOW! And no, I didn't join the armed forces, maybe that would have done the trick but I doubt it.
What triggered this writing was something an old girlfriend said to me during an argument several years ago. She was upset about something and asking for my advice and consolation, none of which seemed to be helping any. Then those words came out of her mouth: "I need a man right now".
Damn that hurt. Hurt to the core. The moments leading up to it I made the mistake of trying to manage her anger. I did my best and failed. That happens. Not the end of the world but, it was the end of the relationship for me. Relationships are the hardest thing anyone will ever navigate. They can create and they can destroy. We form images of each other in a relationship and that relationship ceases to be the minute that happens.
I laugh when I hear someone say they know me. No, you do not know me. You know some of my habits, rituals, moods, quirks, but you do not live in my head. You've idealized me and now you see something you don't dig so you want to change me into a creature that you really want. I don't live in your head and I will do my best to respect that. I will never know anyone....either that causes despair or relief.
So what is a man? I went through a period in the mid 90's where I was in a relationship that was ending. I had moved to Portland and was in this new city which was dark and depressing much of the year as well. I wasn't particularly happy at this time and I was living with my girlfriend and a bunch of other people in a small house. I had no privacy. I became irritable and snapped at people. Sarcastic and rather cold. My girlfriend said to one of the other women in the house "Jef's become such a man all of the sudden". She was kinda happy about it I think. So I'm acting like a dry drunk and this is how a man is supposed to act? Irritable, short tempered, sarcastic, mean? Depressed? Confusing. It's not my true nature to act this way. In fact, it's just a lie. By nature, I'm happy, kind and I love to laugh. I take action when I need to and rest when I need to..... The judgmental, grumpy, perfectionistic, sarcastic dude is a liar. He's just trying to keep himself safe.
So a couple days after the "I need a man" argument I was talking to a good friend of mine and we spoke about the incident. His question was simple: "Well, what kind of man do you want?"
Thank God for friends who are so clear. That question removed the victim nonsense from me right away. There are as many different kinds of men as there are men. Actually, let me re-phrase that: There are as many different kinds of humans as there are humans. So the question "what is a man?" or "what does it mean to be a man" is so personal. It can only be answered by the person experiencing the body they inhabit during this strange temporary existence. And the older I get the less I care about fitting another persons idea of what a man is. It's just another absurdity like class, gender, religion, political party, nationality or any of the other divisive constructs we humans invent.
So with no rituals and no myths and no real role models we are left to our own devices. We can only simply do our best to figure out "what a man is" for ourselves. I used to be upset about this but now I can only see it as an opportunity to be a bit more free from the boxes we are supposed to fit into. I see it as an opportunity to be a true Gentleman, or, a gentle man. Doesn't mean weak or passive, in fact I see it as the best kind of strength one can have. One that opens doors for anyone and has faith that doors will be opened for them. I see it as someone committed to change. Forced change almost never sticks. I mean, look at the "war on poverty", the "war on drugs", the "war on obesity". Haven't we learned? We can win every battle and still lose the war. But a true gentleman knows if you want lasting change you need to be cool with it, have faith and set a positive example, be a leader in the truest sense. One that proceeds despite all that doubt and fear. No I don't always succeed at this. The bits on the page above really are about me reacting to a fearful situation with my own fear. But, I do my best and that's all anyone can do.
I do forgive those who I wrote about above as well. Only hurt people hurt people. I get that now. I've said my share of hurtful things as well and I know those utterances were simply me creating my own illusions and feeding those beast.
Now what can I do as a ritual that doesn't involve beer? At this age I still haven't been welcomed to 'manhood'. I don't know that I really need it but, it would be nice. In the meantime I'll just do my best to be someone who gets a groovy headstone then all this is over. I want to do more good in this world than I think is possible. I'll be the change I wish to see in this beautiful world. I like that man.
J
Part of this peculiar culture has annihilated myths and ritual. This article explores that thing that confuses so many of us: what is a man? I didn't have a Bar Mitvah, elder tribesman kidnap me and take me into the woods to learn how to hunt, a Beautillion, confirmation or any of those things that announces: you are a man, get with some responsibilities NOW! And no, I didn't join the armed forces, maybe that would have done the trick but I doubt it.
What triggered this writing was something an old girlfriend said to me during an argument several years ago. She was upset about something and asking for my advice and consolation, none of which seemed to be helping any. Then those words came out of her mouth: "I need a man right now".
Damn that hurt. Hurt to the core. The moments leading up to it I made the mistake of trying to manage her anger. I did my best and failed. That happens. Not the end of the world but, it was the end of the relationship for me. Relationships are the hardest thing anyone will ever navigate. They can create and they can destroy. We form images of each other in a relationship and that relationship ceases to be the minute that happens.
I laugh when I hear someone say they know me. No, you do not know me. You know some of my habits, rituals, moods, quirks, but you do not live in my head. You've idealized me and now you see something you don't dig so you want to change me into a creature that you really want. I don't live in your head and I will do my best to respect that. I will never know anyone....either that causes despair or relief.
So what is a man? I went through a period in the mid 90's where I was in a relationship that was ending. I had moved to Portland and was in this new city which was dark and depressing much of the year as well. I wasn't particularly happy at this time and I was living with my girlfriend and a bunch of other people in a small house. I had no privacy. I became irritable and snapped at people. Sarcastic and rather cold. My girlfriend said to one of the other women in the house "Jef's become such a man all of the sudden". She was kinda happy about it I think. So I'm acting like a dry drunk and this is how a man is supposed to act? Irritable, short tempered, sarcastic, mean? Depressed? Confusing. It's not my true nature to act this way. In fact, it's just a lie. By nature, I'm happy, kind and I love to laugh. I take action when I need to and rest when I need to..... The judgmental, grumpy, perfectionistic, sarcastic dude is a liar. He's just trying to keep himself safe.
So a couple days after the "I need a man" argument I was talking to a good friend of mine and we spoke about the incident. His question was simple: "Well, what kind of man do you want?"
Thank God for friends who are so clear. That question removed the victim nonsense from me right away. There are as many different kinds of men as there are men. Actually, let me re-phrase that: There are as many different kinds of humans as there are humans. So the question "what is a man?" or "what does it mean to be a man" is so personal. It can only be answered by the person experiencing the body they inhabit during this strange temporary existence. And the older I get the less I care about fitting another persons idea of what a man is. It's just another absurdity like class, gender, religion, political party, nationality or any of the other divisive constructs we humans invent.
So with no rituals and no myths and no real role models we are left to our own devices. We can only simply do our best to figure out "what a man is" for ourselves. I used to be upset about this but now I can only see it as an opportunity to be a bit more free from the boxes we are supposed to fit into. I see it as an opportunity to be a true Gentleman, or, a gentle man. Doesn't mean weak or passive, in fact I see it as the best kind of strength one can have. One that opens doors for anyone and has faith that doors will be opened for them. I see it as someone committed to change. Forced change almost never sticks. I mean, look at the "war on poverty", the "war on drugs", the "war on obesity". Haven't we learned? We can win every battle and still lose the war. But a true gentleman knows if you want lasting change you need to be cool with it, have faith and set a positive example, be a leader in the truest sense. One that proceeds despite all that doubt and fear. No I don't always succeed at this. The bits on the page above really are about me reacting to a fearful situation with my own fear. But, I do my best and that's all anyone can do.
I do forgive those who I wrote about above as well. Only hurt people hurt people. I get that now. I've said my share of hurtful things as well and I know those utterances were simply me creating my own illusions and feeding those beast.
Now what can I do as a ritual that doesn't involve beer? At this age I still haven't been welcomed to 'manhood'. I don't know that I really need it but, it would be nice. In the meantime I'll just do my best to be someone who gets a groovy headstone then all this is over. I want to do more good in this world than I think is possible. I'll be the change I wish to see in this beautiful world. I like that man.
J
