I've been reading Robert Blys' book "Iron John" and gaining maybe a bit too much insight into my own male conditioning and at the same time finding comfort in the question "what happened?" These last 4 years have been difficult and yet overall I can honestly say I'm happier than ever. Trouble is I don't take enough time out to reflect on the progress I have made since I hit bottom in 2011, but when I do I can say I went from a place I really didn't care to be which was close to homeless then working at the worst job I've had in years while staying with my folks at the age of 43 to living in NYC. That's pretty amazing. And my standards for living? I'm raising them this month. Massive change. Uncomfortable. Feels like dying though the bliss moments are just more...blissful.
So what is that harsh word Katabasis? It means a drop in status, a kind of bottoming out. For me it's where my compulsive behavior led me. I went from being a business owner who set his own hours, didn't work too hard and earned more than I ever have, to overspending my way to the poorhouse, to working for $7.25 full time at Guitar Center. It's a crushing defeat, and according to this book and to the numerous biographies of successful people, it's nothing unusual. I don't buy the word failure so I'll use the word defeat. Every success story is full of defeat stories leading to that place, and if your spirit isn't right, that can become your new surrender. Oddly enough what I did learn from running my own shop is I actually worked much harder at Guitar Center, longer hours, on my feet 40 hours a week. My shop I worked 4 days a week and earned roughly 4-5x what I did at GC. So that drop in pay, yes, that was crushing. What carried me through that was just knowing this was temporary and setting a clear end date. Oh, and showing up to work after my 30 mile commute and screaming obscenities in my car in the parking lot before my dreadfully dull shift started. I could walk in after that and be Mr. Positive. Worked most days.
See, those moments when I was building amps for customers, I could lose myself in the present. With music I vanish. With teaching guitar I vanish as well. It's that state of bliss where the money doesn't matter, the service does. I follow that bliss, it's led me to this dirty city that I love.
In 2 weeks I'm leaving my current job. I'm excited, scared, confident, freaked out, joyous and anxious at the same time. Actually, tonight I'm in pain. I'm realizing something. I'm in the 9th month and I'm being re-born. All I want to do is cry like a baby does. Being born is intense I'm remembering. It's no joke. I'm throwing myself to faith. The war is over and I've lost. I give up the fight. I give up resistance. I no longer have it in me to fight. Opportunities to teach and play keep showing up and I can't afford to not explore them. I feel a flow coming on strong and it makes me uncomfortable. So I need to dive on in that river and see where it takes me.....
I've lived this life as a "jack of all trades, master of none". Musician, photographer, shopkeeper, repairman, salesman, writer, lover, boyfriend, and probably a few more hats o' distraction that I can't remember anymore. I've been wondering what to do with the rest of this life now that the war is over. Well, there is desire. Behind any desire is a desire to feel better than before. I desire some bling to dress myself up to feel a little better. I desire a better job to be able to afford a place of my own. If I desire to fire an employee who isn't working out, it's painful but still behind that desire is to feel better by bettering my work environment.
So the question is what is my "burning desire?" Well, this is where my conditioning steps in. See many years ago my feelings became unsafe for me. My feelings being the most honest thing I know. That space between my neck and my groin vanished, became that defensive pot belly I struggle to keep slim and I started to lie. Tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. When asked a question like "what do I want" I'd freeze up. I'd formulate my answer around what I thought the person asking would approve of. And of course, with so many safe possibly lucrative choices, who can make that decision? May as well just let god decide for me...
I'm a musician. That is my burning desire. Has been since before my feelings became unsafe and it still is. I never learned the nuts and bolts of earning money through what I love and live cause, being a musician is sexy, wildman stuff. There is no safety in the wild. May as well get a day job and do music as a hobby.
Fuck that. I'm a hunter gatherer. They don't teach instinct in college. Hunter gatherers worked an average of 20 hours a week, then lay around celebrating for the rest of the week. The 40 hour workweek is bullshit ladies and gentlemen. When I've earned the most I was in tune with that natural state of being. Less time, more money=more time to enjoy life. I'm a hunter gatherer, end of story.
There is no societal reward for the wildman. No "oh that's great, you are a wildman" like you hear when someone becomes a lawyer: "oh awesome, you studied hard and now you're educated and you can have a good salary!" Nothing wrong with that, it's just not my natural way.
But it's funny. I can be that natural being on stage. Women I've dated have been baffled and put off at how awkward and sometimes dis-connected I am offstage. I don't know how to connect the 2. I do know that the deeper I go in this life, the more Jekyll and Hyde come together. It's terribly uncomfortable but what else is a man to do? Go on playing a role that is external or be himself?
Okay, I know I'm going all over the place tonight with this one. I just need to wrap up with the second part of the title, being a Space Being. Mercury is in retrograde and these last 3 weeks have been torture at times. Change of job coinciding with home instability and living in a place surrounded by people more neurotic than I think I am. My mellow is being pushed around and my buttons are being pressed daily. I've had a few heated situations, stuff where I just got upset with another. I've come to embrace the term 'Space Being' as one who is vibrating high but not quite to the point of dis-integration. A Space Being doesn't feel the need to compel or impel anyone to do anything. When my buttons are pressed I go to war, become passive aggressive, manipulative. I'm seeing this in myself so clearly today. When I remember it's a choice to let go of resistance or engage with someone elses' disease, the choice becomes obvious. I don't need to win an argument. I don't need anyone to see things exactly as I do. There isn't much in this world that matters to me anymore, so I'm learning to let go. After all, what is conflict but 2 parties trying to hold on to their different concepts, ideals, petty little problems? My problems are petty. What am I fighting for? A structure created to house something. My body houses this soul thing. One day my cells will start saying to each other: "hey, maybe we should start seeing other cells?" and my ego will only serve as a means to fight my inevitable end, only to avoid collapse. Not unlike a beautiful old building that simply can't stand any longer, the termites and wood bees have done their duty. So away goes the old and makes space for the new. I'm starting to see this in my life. All of my conflicts seem so un-necessary. If someone feels the need to call me out I can see it as an opportunity for variety. I needed try to do anything to change their mind. I'm choosing every day to go to space.....
So now that I've felt the pain and insanity of the last few years, I don't need to go there again. I don't need another Katabasis, another bottom. I get to talk about it and share some insights that hopefully help another. Sure emotional triggers come up daily, but maybe it's okay this way. It's an opportunity to appreciate variety. It's an opportunity to check out space. A way to practice my wings. An opportunity to set boundaries and learn to be present, to learn to feel and be honest with my gut. A means to propel me to a higher vibration. A means remember the man that I actually am. I like that guy, he's pretty amazing.
So what is that harsh word Katabasis? It means a drop in status, a kind of bottoming out. For me it's where my compulsive behavior led me. I went from being a business owner who set his own hours, didn't work too hard and earned more than I ever have, to overspending my way to the poorhouse, to working for $7.25 full time at Guitar Center. It's a crushing defeat, and according to this book and to the numerous biographies of successful people, it's nothing unusual. I don't buy the word failure so I'll use the word defeat. Every success story is full of defeat stories leading to that place, and if your spirit isn't right, that can become your new surrender. Oddly enough what I did learn from running my own shop is I actually worked much harder at Guitar Center, longer hours, on my feet 40 hours a week. My shop I worked 4 days a week and earned roughly 4-5x what I did at GC. So that drop in pay, yes, that was crushing. What carried me through that was just knowing this was temporary and setting a clear end date. Oh, and showing up to work after my 30 mile commute and screaming obscenities in my car in the parking lot before my dreadfully dull shift started. I could walk in after that and be Mr. Positive. Worked most days.
See, those moments when I was building amps for customers, I could lose myself in the present. With music I vanish. With teaching guitar I vanish as well. It's that state of bliss where the money doesn't matter, the service does. I follow that bliss, it's led me to this dirty city that I love.
In 2 weeks I'm leaving my current job. I'm excited, scared, confident, freaked out, joyous and anxious at the same time. Actually, tonight I'm in pain. I'm realizing something. I'm in the 9th month and I'm being re-born. All I want to do is cry like a baby does. Being born is intense I'm remembering. It's no joke. I'm throwing myself to faith. The war is over and I've lost. I give up the fight. I give up resistance. I no longer have it in me to fight. Opportunities to teach and play keep showing up and I can't afford to not explore them. I feel a flow coming on strong and it makes me uncomfortable. So I need to dive on in that river and see where it takes me.....
I've lived this life as a "jack of all trades, master of none". Musician, photographer, shopkeeper, repairman, salesman, writer, lover, boyfriend, and probably a few more hats o' distraction that I can't remember anymore. I've been wondering what to do with the rest of this life now that the war is over. Well, there is desire. Behind any desire is a desire to feel better than before. I desire some bling to dress myself up to feel a little better. I desire a better job to be able to afford a place of my own. If I desire to fire an employee who isn't working out, it's painful but still behind that desire is to feel better by bettering my work environment.
So the question is what is my "burning desire?" Well, this is where my conditioning steps in. See many years ago my feelings became unsafe for me. My feelings being the most honest thing I know. That space between my neck and my groin vanished, became that defensive pot belly I struggle to keep slim and I started to lie. Tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. When asked a question like "what do I want" I'd freeze up. I'd formulate my answer around what I thought the person asking would approve of. And of course, with so many safe possibly lucrative choices, who can make that decision? May as well just let god decide for me...
I'm a musician. That is my burning desire. Has been since before my feelings became unsafe and it still is. I never learned the nuts and bolts of earning money through what I love and live cause, being a musician is sexy, wildman stuff. There is no safety in the wild. May as well get a day job and do music as a hobby.
Fuck that. I'm a hunter gatherer. They don't teach instinct in college. Hunter gatherers worked an average of 20 hours a week, then lay around celebrating for the rest of the week. The 40 hour workweek is bullshit ladies and gentlemen. When I've earned the most I was in tune with that natural state of being. Less time, more money=more time to enjoy life. I'm a hunter gatherer, end of story.
There is no societal reward for the wildman. No "oh that's great, you are a wildman" like you hear when someone becomes a lawyer: "oh awesome, you studied hard and now you're educated and you can have a good salary!" Nothing wrong with that, it's just not my natural way.
But it's funny. I can be that natural being on stage. Women I've dated have been baffled and put off at how awkward and sometimes dis-connected I am offstage. I don't know how to connect the 2. I do know that the deeper I go in this life, the more Jekyll and Hyde come together. It's terribly uncomfortable but what else is a man to do? Go on playing a role that is external or be himself?
Okay, I know I'm going all over the place tonight with this one. I just need to wrap up with the second part of the title, being a Space Being. Mercury is in retrograde and these last 3 weeks have been torture at times. Change of job coinciding with home instability and living in a place surrounded by people more neurotic than I think I am. My mellow is being pushed around and my buttons are being pressed daily. I've had a few heated situations, stuff where I just got upset with another. I've come to embrace the term 'Space Being' as one who is vibrating high but not quite to the point of dis-integration. A Space Being doesn't feel the need to compel or impel anyone to do anything. When my buttons are pressed I go to war, become passive aggressive, manipulative. I'm seeing this in myself so clearly today. When I remember it's a choice to let go of resistance or engage with someone elses' disease, the choice becomes obvious. I don't need to win an argument. I don't need anyone to see things exactly as I do. There isn't much in this world that matters to me anymore, so I'm learning to let go. After all, what is conflict but 2 parties trying to hold on to their different concepts, ideals, petty little problems? My problems are petty. What am I fighting for? A structure created to house something. My body houses this soul thing. One day my cells will start saying to each other: "hey, maybe we should start seeing other cells?" and my ego will only serve as a means to fight my inevitable end, only to avoid collapse. Not unlike a beautiful old building that simply can't stand any longer, the termites and wood bees have done their duty. So away goes the old and makes space for the new. I'm starting to see this in my life. All of my conflicts seem so un-necessary. If someone feels the need to call me out I can see it as an opportunity for variety. I needed try to do anything to change their mind. I'm choosing every day to go to space.....
So now that I've felt the pain and insanity of the last few years, I don't need to go there again. I don't need another Katabasis, another bottom. I get to talk about it and share some insights that hopefully help another. Sure emotional triggers come up daily, but maybe it's okay this way. It's an opportunity to appreciate variety. It's an opportunity to check out space. A way to practice my wings. An opportunity to set boundaries and learn to be present, to learn to feel and be honest with my gut. A means to propel me to a higher vibration. A means remember the man that I actually am. I like that guy, he's pretty amazing.
